Study groups or how to make a Jell-O shot?
Susan Blauss
Issue date: 10/26/06 Section: Opinion
It is a good thing I am majoring in psychology because it will give me the chance to study the anxiety medication I am going to wind up on just to get me through my statistics class.Twenty-three years ago when I started my freshman year here, I do not recall having such performance anxiety. But now even the thought of z-scores and probability sends me into panic mode. The difference in college this time around is the wonderful invention of a study group. Ok, maybe they were around in the eighties, but I never heard of one. Or perhaps I never needed one, who knows.We had a biopsychology and statistics test, both on the same day. Talk about brain overload. I wondered how I would ever keep track of all the things I needed to know. And these classes do not require just rote knowledge; you have to actually understand what is going on, and what the larger concepts are.Like many students, full-time college work is not the only thing I have on my plate; I also work. In addition to this, I have a family. My family includes a husband, a mentally-challenged brother, and seven kids. Yup, seven kids.I know seven seems rather excessive but what can I say? I do not just study psychology, I live it. My husband and I adopted three drug-exposed, abused children.I have trouble keeping key academic concepts in my head when it is also filled with a seventh grade science project, a high school senior's college search, and SpongeBob's Game of Life.One of the girls in my biopsychology class suggested we get together for a study group. Well, it worked like magic. Going over concepts that I did not quite grasp, or sharing what I did know with someone else who was a bit shaky on the concept, really cemented the information in my brain.Sitting outside on a lovely fall day and knowing I wasn't the only one who did not quite get the idea of the sodium/potassium pump made me feel a little less like a dunce. Making flash cards and teasing each other about doodles in a notebook made the knowledge more understandable Participating in a study group has made the memorizing of information and the comprehension of the ideas much easier. It has also been a way to get to know people a little better outside of class.I have gotten to meet kids' roommates, a couple of boyfriends, and a couple of friends who are boys who might become boyfriends. We get to share pictures and gossip about families and jobs. It adds richness to the college experience.I am still the oldest person in most of my classes. I think I am the only co-ed whose son is also a senior. But a study group makes me one of the gang.I believe I recently even added a successful touch to an off-campus party with my expert advice on Jell-O shots. Of course, I am sure all the participants were over twenty-one. I am still someone's mother after all.But in a study group, I am an equal. I am a student who is eager to learn and willing to share the knowledge, whatever the topic at hand.
Friday, October 27, 2006
Wednesday, October 25, 2006
Halloween stories and graveyard mysteries
This time of year the papers and television are filled with haunted happenings. Once a year all of America is obssessed with graveyards and the stories they contain. The rest of the year only Mary and a few Archival, Geneaology-type folks wander the gravestones: documenting, observing, discovering, wondering...
Here is the blog link that takes you to a true story of a little girl's grave and the rocking chair monument. Not scary and more interesting because of it.
http://mblauss.blogspot.com/
Here is the blog link that takes you to a true story of a little girl's grave and the rocking chair monument. Not scary and more interesting because of it.
http://mblauss.blogspot.com/
Monday, October 23, 2006
MY Third Comment Article
We are half way through the semester but the college Newspaper has only come out three times. I dare not critise for fear of being put in charge of something. But a weekly paper that has only made it to print three times is not having a good statistical average. (I know this because I have an A average in Statistics.) There are weekly meeting but they are fifteen minutes long and the hour drive plus trying to find parking makes those fifteen minutes to high priced for me. Ah well I have made it into each paper so that is exciting. No one has invited me to a Frat party yet however.
Speaking Up in Class
When I first started at BSC as a lowly freshman 23 years ago, my most favorite courses were ones I took in Theater. Not because they were easy (boy you only make that mistake once!) But because everyone was so involved.
In a theater class, you cannot get away with sitting in the back of the room. First because most of the courses end up at least partly on stage. And second, because actors need to express themselves.
Way back when I first went to college I couldn’t understand why other classes weren’t so involved. Why don’t English majors feel comfortable expressing dissenting opinions on great works of fiction? I cannot be the only one who died of boredom and thirst reading Grapes Of Wrath.
What about the kids who took Psychology of Exceptional Children with me back in 1983? Our book said refrigerator mothers caused autism in their children. (Moms who were highly educated but cold and aloof to their offspring.) That made no sense to me back then. (If it were true wouldn’t all the children of this cold mother be like that? And what did it say for a father’s influence?)
Of course no psychology book places the blame on mothers now for the causes of autism. But our textbooks today must have errors that five or ten years from now will be shown out.
We have a lot of very smart students here at BSC. People whose very life experiences make them experts in some of their courses. People whose hobbies and interests or family businesses give them a unique perspective on the courses we study.
Why not be bold like those crazy theater arts majors and share some of your insights?
I am taking four psychology classes on Tuesdays and Thursdays. The courses are upper level and challenging as well as interesting. I am also lucky to have some very good instructors to teach them.
But it is frustrating- the lack of student participation. Oh the professors certainly try. Have you taken a course with Nugent yet? She is a hoot! She is also an expert in her field and she works daily with adolescents and adults. She brings not only book knowledge to her Psychology of Personality class but also real hands on experience. When she uses an example from her casework, a student begins to hear what it is really like out there in the work they one-day hope to do.
But the class is for the most part a one way experience. She lectures, we all take notes. Why don’t students speak up and share their thoughts, their experiences, their agreements, or disagreements? Granted the course is first thing at 8 in the morning. I mean who even has a Personality that early in the day! But the class would be so much richer if people would just speak up.
Next semester I am going to take another theater art class again. I see Dirks and Levine are still around teaching. I want to be in a classroom where an exchange of knowledge is taking place. I want to know what people are thinking and feeling.
I have met with two different study groups to prepare for tests in Statistics and Learning. In both those study groups (with students way younger than little -ole me) I was amazed and impressed with the insight and knowledge of my fellow classmates. I wish we all could see more of that in class..
Speaking Up in Class
When I first started at BSC as a lowly freshman 23 years ago, my most favorite courses were ones I took in Theater. Not because they were easy (boy you only make that mistake once!) But because everyone was so involved.
In a theater class, you cannot get away with sitting in the back of the room. First because most of the courses end up at least partly on stage. And second, because actors need to express themselves.
Way back when I first went to college I couldn’t understand why other classes weren’t so involved. Why don’t English majors feel comfortable expressing dissenting opinions on great works of fiction? I cannot be the only one who died of boredom and thirst reading Grapes Of Wrath.
What about the kids who took Psychology of Exceptional Children with me back in 1983? Our book said refrigerator mothers caused autism in their children. (Moms who were highly educated but cold and aloof to their offspring.) That made no sense to me back then. (If it were true wouldn’t all the children of this cold mother be like that? And what did it say for a father’s influence?)
Of course no psychology book places the blame on mothers now for the causes of autism. But our textbooks today must have errors that five or ten years from now will be shown out.
We have a lot of very smart students here at BSC. People whose very life experiences make them experts in some of their courses. People whose hobbies and interests or family businesses give them a unique perspective on the courses we study.
Why not be bold like those crazy theater arts majors and share some of your insights?
I am taking four psychology classes on Tuesdays and Thursdays. The courses are upper level and challenging as well as interesting. I am also lucky to have some very good instructors to teach them.
But it is frustrating- the lack of student participation. Oh the professors certainly try. Have you taken a course with Nugent yet? She is a hoot! She is also an expert in her field and she works daily with adolescents and adults. She brings not only book knowledge to her Psychology of Personality class but also real hands on experience. When she uses an example from her casework, a student begins to hear what it is really like out there in the work they one-day hope to do.
But the class is for the most part a one way experience. She lectures, we all take notes. Why don’t students speak up and share their thoughts, their experiences, their agreements, or disagreements? Granted the course is first thing at 8 in the morning. I mean who even has a Personality that early in the day! But the class would be so much richer if people would just speak up.
Next semester I am going to take another theater art class again. I see Dirks and Levine are still around teaching. I want to be in a classroom where an exchange of knowledge is taking place. I want to know what people are thinking and feeling.
I have met with two different study groups to prepare for tests in Statistics and Learning. In both those study groups (with students way younger than little -ole me) I was amazed and impressed with the insight and knowledge of my fellow classmates. I wish we all could see more of that in class..
Friday, October 20, 2006
Hobby Friends
On my way into work last night I chatted with my friend Lil. She also works the night shift, as a nurse at Cape Cod Pysch. We hadn't seen one another in over a month and we had a wonderful conversation, touching base about our lives, and our family's activities.
One part of the conversation included a running commentary about a group of our fellow bunny breeders. I haven't been to a rabbit show since August and I wanted to know what everyone was up to.
Amoung other things, Nancy goes for a second breast cancer treatment, Alice is still struggling with her high blood pressure, Darlene looks great, Sandy and Donna want to share a room at Convention with Lil, Tony and Neal are flirting outrageously (with the ladies, not each other.) Yes Randy has been showing, and Diane made it to the Ice cream show. And the big news....Jim has been losing at a number of shows lately and as can be expected of Jim, is not handling it well.
All of the people Lil filled me on on are my hobby friends. I only see these folks at rabbit shows and show type functions. I enjoy them greatly (esp. my flirty friends). We spend hours at shows ( and not a few hours at the bars during Convention) chatting about our rabbitries, breeding plans, wins, pedigrees, new breeds, old breeds, particular favorite bunnies.
These are people I really enjoy spending time with. But we only see each other at shows. Do you have friends like that?
Maybe its your work colleagues, folks you are close to and enjoy spending time with. They make work fun or bearable. You don't see them outside of work tho. Or maybe you have little league friends. These fellow parents have kids on teams when your kids are playing. You see them every spring and summer and enjoy watching the kids play, gossipping about town politics and really look forward to that part of the day when you are all gathered in the ball stands. But then your kid outgrows little league and while you occ. bump into these people at Shaws, you dont truly keep in touch.
Well, I love my bunny friends. Because we have traveled all over the country at shows over the years, we have some wild and funny stories to reminisce about. But except for Lil who I exchange gifts with and know intimate details about, the rest of New England breeders that show regularly are my hobby friends.
Lil and I do lunch and talk about things from politics to religion. We are true friends. But when I see my hobby friends, or just think about them I start to smile. I dont know the names of Neal's children. But I know a couple of his top bunnies. I have never been to his house, but I share a few under the table bar stories with him that are priceless. (There wasnt much to do at the Kansas rabbit Convention after hours but drink!)
Some hobby friends move on from hobby to good friends. Margo was a YM hobby friend but through IMing, and blogs, a handful of retreats, and a few late night parties she moved to that other kind of friendship.
I don't see many of the little league friends. But the memories are sweet- concession stand catastrophies, Corey's 16 strikeouts...great memories.
Lately I have been too busy to work on my rabbit hobby. And maybe its time to move on. Nothing wrong with that. But when I chat with Lil about her french lop, or winterizing the barn, or that VERY dirty thing Neal said to her I think "hmmmm maybe I can squeeze the hobby in a little while longer."
One part of the conversation included a running commentary about a group of our fellow bunny breeders. I haven't been to a rabbit show since August and I wanted to know what everyone was up to.
Amoung other things, Nancy goes for a second breast cancer treatment, Alice is still struggling with her high blood pressure, Darlene looks great, Sandy and Donna want to share a room at Convention with Lil, Tony and Neal are flirting outrageously (with the ladies, not each other.) Yes Randy has been showing, and Diane made it to the Ice cream show. And the big news....Jim has been losing at a number of shows lately and as can be expected of Jim, is not handling it well.
All of the people Lil filled me on on are my hobby friends. I only see these folks at rabbit shows and show type functions. I enjoy them greatly (esp. my flirty friends). We spend hours at shows ( and not a few hours at the bars during Convention) chatting about our rabbitries, breeding plans, wins, pedigrees, new breeds, old breeds, particular favorite bunnies.
These are people I really enjoy spending time with. But we only see each other at shows. Do you have friends like that?
Maybe its your work colleagues, folks you are close to and enjoy spending time with. They make work fun or bearable. You don't see them outside of work tho. Or maybe you have little league friends. These fellow parents have kids on teams when your kids are playing. You see them every spring and summer and enjoy watching the kids play, gossipping about town politics and really look forward to that part of the day when you are all gathered in the ball stands. But then your kid outgrows little league and while you occ. bump into these people at Shaws, you dont truly keep in touch.
Well, I love my bunny friends. Because we have traveled all over the country at shows over the years, we have some wild and funny stories to reminisce about. But except for Lil who I exchange gifts with and know intimate details about, the rest of New England breeders that show regularly are my hobby friends.
Lil and I do lunch and talk about things from politics to religion. We are true friends. But when I see my hobby friends, or just think about them I start to smile. I dont know the names of Neal's children. But I know a couple of his top bunnies. I have never been to his house, but I share a few under the table bar stories with him that are priceless. (There wasnt much to do at the Kansas rabbit Convention after hours but drink!)
Some hobby friends move on from hobby to good friends. Margo was a YM hobby friend but through IMing, and blogs, a handful of retreats, and a few late night parties she moved to that other kind of friendship.
I don't see many of the little league friends. But the memories are sweet- concession stand catastrophies, Corey's 16 strikeouts...great memories.
Lately I have been too busy to work on my rabbit hobby. And maybe its time to move on. Nothing wrong with that. But when I chat with Lil about her french lop, or winterizing the barn, or that VERY dirty thing Neal said to her I think "hmmmm maybe I can squeeze the hobby in a little while longer."
Wednesday, October 18, 2006
Tuesday, October 17, 2006
shower
Mary's Baptism cloth!
My mom painted this chair.
Mary is "surprised" with Nikki and Matt...weird camera angle- she is actually thin lol!
THE cake was yummy and Matt forgave the mispell of his name.
My mom painted this chair.
Mary is "surprised" with Nikki and Matt...weird camera angle- she is actually thin lol!
THE cake was yummy and Matt forgave the mispell of his name.
shower
Julie drew the window coverings.
The garden shower.
Donnie made the trellis.
The bones of the garden
The garden in the middle of the church hall.
The garden shower.
Donnie made the trellis.
The bones of the garden
The garden in the middle of the church hall.
Thursday, October 12, 2006
Focus on One Thought or Multi-tasker
So which are you? Are you one of those people who do one thing at a time and do it well? You focus on one task, great attention to detail? Or are you a multi-tasker, a person who can think multiple thoughts and do many things all at once? And most importantly, can a person who is one kind of thinker/doer, learn to harness the power of the other?
I married a Total Focus kind of thinker. He concentrates on one thing and does it well. (Given enough sleep of course :>) He is able to compartmentalize and focus on the task at hand. If he is at work, that is what is on his mind. He never gives family a thought. But when he leaves work, he leaves that behind and now his focus is on the kids. Basketball practise for Nikki is next? No problem, Donnie is completely in the moment.
This is a great skill and one I did not appreciate for many years. As you can imagine that is because I am a multi-tasker. Not only can I do and think of more than one thing at a time, I can also have more than one conversation going both to real and imagined people!
My most favorite way to relax (well that can be blogged about anyway, ahem) is to sit in bed, freshly showered, all tucked in, with a good snack and a good book and a good movie, and even better if Donnie is there for quiet conversation.
Our different ways of thinking have helped to raise our many children and all their variety of activities and accomplish most of what we set out to do.
Of course it has its drawbacks. Imagine poor Donnie in the days when we would have two infants at once. Or picture me trying to sit through a tedious work meeting...
True, we have both butted heads over our different styles but we are also both trying to learn how to improve our own weaknesses.
Success in this endeavor has been mixed. This morning I had a total meltdown as I tried to be One Focus person and was dragged back to my Multitasker personi.
I have discovered that when I am at college, I have to be completely focused and in the moment. It does not matter if I have to work later that night, or if I need to pick up bread, or call the photographer, or when who needs a ride or which car....blah blah blah.
If I begin my normal internal running list of who is where and when and why, I miss the key Statistics definition of Z scores and their applications.
So I left for school completely focused on taking a test, second class. But right before class started I got two voice mails from Don and Tim and then a call came through from Tim. Tim was in a panic, he could not find a car key and he had to drive the bus at college in an hour.
"Why are you calling me I have to take a test?" "Well Dad is at work so you have to help me." "Did Dad tell you to call me?" "No but Mom I have to be at school to drive."
So I raced through the test and then raced home to get Tim the key from my chain and then race back in time for class. I was in a panic about finding parking. Also I didnt do as well on the test because my mind was racing about Tim being nervous about being late for work. And why did Donnie call me and tell me about this? What was I suppose to do? Why was this my problem? What about the work I was suppose ot do after the test? Would I make it back in time for my next class?
See- I cannot let it go once it is brought to my attention. They are both aware of this as well. I mean I know it is my flaw. But what was I suppose to do once both Don and Tim called me?
Every other morning I make sure all the little kids are set for school (money, snack, meds, clean faces) I double check keys and cars and pick ups. But I have been asking for more help in this department. I want the other adults in the house to pick up on some of this so on school days at least I can focus on school.
I scolded when I got home but I wonder how effective it was? The rule is when I am at school unless someone is in an accident, vomitting, or popping a lung I DO NOT WANT TO HEAR ABOUT IT Dont call....dont leave a message. Dont think I want to know anything about it when THERE IS NOTHING I CAN DO.
We shall see how long it will last.
I married a Total Focus kind of thinker. He concentrates on one thing and does it well. (Given enough sleep of course :>) He is able to compartmentalize and focus on the task at hand. If he is at work, that is what is on his mind. He never gives family a thought. But when he leaves work, he leaves that behind and now his focus is on the kids. Basketball practise for Nikki is next? No problem, Donnie is completely in the moment.
This is a great skill and one I did not appreciate for many years. As you can imagine that is because I am a multi-tasker. Not only can I do and think of more than one thing at a time, I can also have more than one conversation going both to real and imagined people!
My most favorite way to relax (well that can be blogged about anyway, ahem) is to sit in bed, freshly showered, all tucked in, with a good snack and a good book and a good movie, and even better if Donnie is there for quiet conversation.
Our different ways of thinking have helped to raise our many children and all their variety of activities and accomplish most of what we set out to do.
Of course it has its drawbacks. Imagine poor Donnie in the days when we would have two infants at once. Or picture me trying to sit through a tedious work meeting...
True, we have both butted heads over our different styles but we are also both trying to learn how to improve our own weaknesses.
Success in this endeavor has been mixed. This morning I had a total meltdown as I tried to be One Focus person and was dragged back to my Multitasker personi.
I have discovered that when I am at college, I have to be completely focused and in the moment. It does not matter if I have to work later that night, or if I need to pick up bread, or call the photographer, or when who needs a ride or which car....blah blah blah.
If I begin my normal internal running list of who is where and when and why, I miss the key Statistics definition of Z scores and their applications.
So I left for school completely focused on taking a test, second class. But right before class started I got two voice mails from Don and Tim and then a call came through from Tim. Tim was in a panic, he could not find a car key and he had to drive the bus at college in an hour.
"Why are you calling me I have to take a test?" "Well Dad is at work so you have to help me." "Did Dad tell you to call me?" "No but Mom I have to be at school to drive."
So I raced through the test and then raced home to get Tim the key from my chain and then race back in time for class. I was in a panic about finding parking. Also I didnt do as well on the test because my mind was racing about Tim being nervous about being late for work. And why did Donnie call me and tell me about this? What was I suppose to do? Why was this my problem? What about the work I was suppose ot do after the test? Would I make it back in time for my next class?
See- I cannot let it go once it is brought to my attention. They are both aware of this as well. I mean I know it is my flaw. But what was I suppose to do once both Don and Tim called me?
Every other morning I make sure all the little kids are set for school (money, snack, meds, clean faces) I double check keys and cars and pick ups. But I have been asking for more help in this department. I want the other adults in the house to pick up on some of this so on school days at least I can focus on school.
I scolded when I got home but I wonder how effective it was? The rule is when I am at school unless someone is in an accident, vomitting, or popping a lung I DO NOT WANT TO HEAR ABOUT IT Dont call....dont leave a message. Dont think I want to know anything about it when THERE IS NOTHING I CAN DO.
We shall see how long it will last.
Monday, October 09, 2006
Baby O Baby
I raced out the front door the other day, preparing to head over to see and hold Heather's new baby, my niece Jessica Allison.
As I came out the door my neighbor's daughter came out hers as well. She was pushing her little eight month old nephew Nicholas in a stroller. She was also having contractions and is preparing to deliver twins, a boy and a girl.
I went over to speak with her and commiserate on babies who are suppose to come early and then decide to hang around forever! Little Nicholas was smiling and waving his arms and legs, trying to wriggle his way out of the carriage and into my arms.
Oh boy baby urges.... then I drove to Heather's and whoooooooooooo hoooooooo scooped up Miss Jessica. So tiny, so perfect, so lovely. She looked at me in that solemn baby way, beautiful blue eyes and dark hair, with light underneath. They think she will be blond.
I held her up to the light to see if there was even a hint of red hair. "Don't worry," Heather remarked, "If she does get red hair I am installing a lojack on her."
Julie and I chatted with Edna and Heather and Jack and I absorbed every detail of the first three days of Jessica's life on earth. She started to fuss and for a moment all I could do was watch her perfect starfish little hands wave about in anger as she squawked. What could be more precious than the sound of a healthy babies cry?
I wonder when baby urges leave. The physical gut wrenching desire for a newborn. Mary, Tim, Corey, Julie, Jazzy, Shaun, Adam, all the newborns I got to care for. Adam for only ten days until he went into a treatment program for addicted moms. Shaun for two and a half magical years, Jazzy for nineteen months the rest still with us.
Oh how I want a baby.....Welcome Jessica
As I came out the door my neighbor's daughter came out hers as well. She was pushing her little eight month old nephew Nicholas in a stroller. She was also having contractions and is preparing to deliver twins, a boy and a girl.
I went over to speak with her and commiserate on babies who are suppose to come early and then decide to hang around forever! Little Nicholas was smiling and waving his arms and legs, trying to wriggle his way out of the carriage and into my arms.
Oh boy baby urges.... then I drove to Heather's and whoooooooooooo hoooooooo scooped up Miss Jessica. So tiny, so perfect, so lovely. She looked at me in that solemn baby way, beautiful blue eyes and dark hair, with light underneath. They think she will be blond.
I held her up to the light to see if there was even a hint of red hair. "Don't worry," Heather remarked, "If she does get red hair I am installing a lojack on her."
Julie and I chatted with Edna and Heather and Jack and I absorbed every detail of the first three days of Jessica's life on earth. She started to fuss and for a moment all I could do was watch her perfect starfish little hands wave about in anger as she squawked. What could be more precious than the sound of a healthy babies cry?
I wonder when baby urges leave. The physical gut wrenching desire for a newborn. Mary, Tim, Corey, Julie, Jazzy, Shaun, Adam, all the newborns I got to care for. Adam for only ten days until he went into a treatment program for addicted moms. Shaun for two and a half magical years, Jazzy for nineteen months the rest still with us.
Oh how I want a baby.....Welcome Jessica
A Garden Shower for Mary
All I wanted was a garden party for Mary. Good food, great friends, beloved family- all gathered in a garden to honor Mary and Matt's new life together.
I promise I will upload the pictures to the blog.
As you know the trend in showers is moving towards a sit down dinner at a restaurant.(Not that there is anything wrong with that.) I even went to one that rivaled a wedding reception! So I looked into restaurants although in my heart I wanted a garden party at the house.
Lorenzo's in Middleboro had reasonable prices and was Italian, a bonus for Matt's Italian cousins. But... Was I looking cheap to want it in the garden? Homemade food and fresh grown flowers...
Then one day as Louise (Matt's mom) and I were chatting, she mentioned showers where everyone made the food and how great that was. Was she hinting? Was she saying it was ok to have one at home? Meanwhile I was busily trying to hint to her that A. The rehearsal dinner did not have to be a restaurant affair and B. Not to feel obligated to invite the little kids! If I was hinting and she was hinting, who was taking the hints? lol
I went home from her house that day laughing at the folly of always wondering what people think and mean and what I think and mean. But I did decide to have a garden party after all.
Then a chance conversation with Ann the church secretary, really opened my eyes. She spoke of her own daughter's sudden wedding last year, before the husband shipped over the Iraq. When the young man returned safely they had a surprise shower at the church hall. Rich, one of the church decorating guys helped dress up the hall. It turned out beautifully and was an inexpensive and lovely afternoon. Maybe it could work for us.
I spoke with Rich about my thought of a garden tea party. If it were summertime I would have had it in my own garden (the only clean place in our whole yard, house included). I wanted people to walk into the hall and feel like they really were in a garden.
So, teapots and tea cups from Louise and Reenie, a fall display from Eileen, a trellis made by Don, centerpieces of daisies and greens and babysbreath (thrown together after a hellascious night at work by myself and Marsha one of the RNs from work who followed me home to help me make them!)
Holly put together the favors, Julie made some frescoe panels of all things bridelike, Kate D contributed money and had her mom make the veggie platter, as she was stuck at school. The other Kate worked like a dog during setup and all the weeks before coordinating invitations and responses and endless trips to IParty.
The night before the party Rich unfolded the creative design he and I had put together in our minds. Julie, Katie, Reenie, Eileen, Sue, Emily, Tim, Nikki, and Don all slaved for Rich and I to make...
a pink and white garden oasis.
Father walked in as Rich was constructing the working fountain, in the middle of the function hall. (We hadnt yet put down the mulch.) He shook his head and started to laugh. Rich told me it was always easier to seek forgiveness from Father than actual permission so he would just go ahead with his design scheme and hope for the best.
Matt's relatives came, some as far away as Vermont. My mother's adored cousin Margaret also came and brought a serving platter given her by Nana. Donnie's mom made it, a real gift as Heather had just had her baby and was coming home that day. I thought Edna would not be able to stay but she did and it touched me.
Maria gave a family bible from 1833 as well as a place setting from Great Aunt Lillian, the original family geneologist. Many brought their wedding photos and those of parents and grandparents. Mary plans on displaying them at the wedding.
Reenie, Eileen, Edna, Jamie and I all did the baking and Louise, Holly's mom, and Aunty Moe sent along goodies to boot. And Laurie came through with the cucumber sandwiches which made Mary and Julie laugh. (Laurie shares a love of Elizabeth Peters, author, and cucumber sandwhich lover).
Reenie and Eileen my bestest friends since second grade slaved away to make everything perfect. They are always there for me, as dear as sisters. Maureen M another high school friend contributed as well.
There, I hope I didnt leave anyone out.
So we had a garden for Mary. She sat under the trellis made by Donnie, with trellis panels from my mom's house. Above her head was Nikki's adoption white umbrella....over on one of the tables was Nana's crystal vase, full of flowers from our garden. Under the statue of the Blessed Virgin was Mary's little white and gold christening clothe, baby spit stain still visible.
My baby is getting married in six weeks. We drove all her lovely gifts to Matt's apartment last night and I sat on their new couch and listened to the crickets and outside night sounds of what will be her new home. Those are the sounds she will hear each night, as a married person.
Baby Mary- first grandchild on my side, first granddaughter on Don's side, Momma's girl, afraid of clowns, lover of Halloween, avid reader, wonderful writer, beautiful singer, bunny breeder, guitarist, valedictorian, Brown graduate, geneologist, graveyard devotee, Baby Mary all grown-up and ready to go.
So I made a garden for my Mary. To make her smile. And she did.
I promise I will upload the pictures to the blog.
As you know the trend in showers is moving towards a sit down dinner at a restaurant.(Not that there is anything wrong with that.) I even went to one that rivaled a wedding reception! So I looked into restaurants although in my heart I wanted a garden party at the house.
Lorenzo's in Middleboro had reasonable prices and was Italian, a bonus for Matt's Italian cousins. But... Was I looking cheap to want it in the garden? Homemade food and fresh grown flowers...
Then one day as Louise (Matt's mom) and I were chatting, she mentioned showers where everyone made the food and how great that was. Was she hinting? Was she saying it was ok to have one at home? Meanwhile I was busily trying to hint to her that A. The rehearsal dinner did not have to be a restaurant affair and B. Not to feel obligated to invite the little kids! If I was hinting and she was hinting, who was taking the hints? lol
I went home from her house that day laughing at the folly of always wondering what people think and mean and what I think and mean. But I did decide to have a garden party after all.
Then a chance conversation with Ann the church secretary, really opened my eyes. She spoke of her own daughter's sudden wedding last year, before the husband shipped over the Iraq. When the young man returned safely they had a surprise shower at the church hall. Rich, one of the church decorating guys helped dress up the hall. It turned out beautifully and was an inexpensive and lovely afternoon. Maybe it could work for us.
I spoke with Rich about my thought of a garden tea party. If it were summertime I would have had it in my own garden (the only clean place in our whole yard, house included). I wanted people to walk into the hall and feel like they really were in a garden.
So, teapots and tea cups from Louise and Reenie, a fall display from Eileen, a trellis made by Don, centerpieces of daisies and greens and babysbreath (thrown together after a hellascious night at work by myself and Marsha one of the RNs from work who followed me home to help me make them!)
Holly put together the favors, Julie made some frescoe panels of all things bridelike, Kate D contributed money and had her mom make the veggie platter, as she was stuck at school. The other Kate worked like a dog during setup and all the weeks before coordinating invitations and responses and endless trips to IParty.
The night before the party Rich unfolded the creative design he and I had put together in our minds. Julie, Katie, Reenie, Eileen, Sue, Emily, Tim, Nikki, and Don all slaved for Rich and I to make...
a pink and white garden oasis.
Father walked in as Rich was constructing the working fountain, in the middle of the function hall. (We hadnt yet put down the mulch.) He shook his head and started to laugh. Rich told me it was always easier to seek forgiveness from Father than actual permission so he would just go ahead with his design scheme and hope for the best.
Matt's relatives came, some as far away as Vermont. My mother's adored cousin Margaret also came and brought a serving platter given her by Nana. Donnie's mom made it, a real gift as Heather had just had her baby and was coming home that day. I thought Edna would not be able to stay but she did and it touched me.
Maria gave a family bible from 1833 as well as a place setting from Great Aunt Lillian, the original family geneologist. Many brought their wedding photos and those of parents and grandparents. Mary plans on displaying them at the wedding.
Reenie, Eileen, Edna, Jamie and I all did the baking and Louise, Holly's mom, and Aunty Moe sent along goodies to boot. And Laurie came through with the cucumber sandwiches which made Mary and Julie laugh. (Laurie shares a love of Elizabeth Peters, author, and cucumber sandwhich lover).
Reenie and Eileen my bestest friends since second grade slaved away to make everything perfect. They are always there for me, as dear as sisters. Maureen M another high school friend contributed as well.
There, I hope I didnt leave anyone out.
So we had a garden for Mary. She sat under the trellis made by Donnie, with trellis panels from my mom's house. Above her head was Nikki's adoption white umbrella....over on one of the tables was Nana's crystal vase, full of flowers from our garden. Under the statue of the Blessed Virgin was Mary's little white and gold christening clothe, baby spit stain still visible.
My baby is getting married in six weeks. We drove all her lovely gifts to Matt's apartment last night and I sat on their new couch and listened to the crickets and outside night sounds of what will be her new home. Those are the sounds she will hear each night, as a married person.
Baby Mary- first grandchild on my side, first granddaughter on Don's side, Momma's girl, afraid of clowns, lover of Halloween, avid reader, wonderful writer, beautiful singer, bunny breeder, guitarist, valedictorian, Brown graduate, geneologist, graveyard devotee, Baby Mary all grown-up and ready to go.
So I made a garden for my Mary. To make her smile. And she did.
Wednesday, October 04, 2006
Suicide, school shootings and crime rate
I am taking an online course in Crimianl Psychology with Professor Englander. It is a fascinating and sometimes horrifying topic. But I have learned an important thing.The violent crime rate has steadily DECREASED in the United States since the early 1990s. The rate is going down. There is less violent crime. There is.
So why the Amish school house shooting? Why Bailey Colorado? Why Columbine?
When my daughter Mary was at Brown she was an RA, a job she enjoyed greatly. Each Tuesday night the other RAs would meet with the Dean and go over school news, how dorms and kids were doing, etc. On the Tuesday after St Paddy's Day her junior year, she was heading to her meeting and met up with one of her RA friends. This girl, Manue was going to be a bit late. There was a strange smell she had to check out in one of the hallways of her dorm. No she didn't need Mary's company she would meet up with her later at the meeting.
The young woman stood infront of a dorm door where the smell was strongest, the room of a boy named Anthony. She knocked for a bit and after no response unlocked the door with her master key. He had committed suicide.
The RA slipping into shock stepped back and called 911. The police came immediately and treated the situation like any crime scene, with cool professionalism. There had never been a suicide on the Brown campus. But all colleges have a "plan" in case this horrific situation should occur.
The cops, most Dad's themselves did their jobs quickly and tried not to think of the parents of this dead boy. No one gave a thought to the young RA leaning against the wall.
Still in shock, Manue automatically headed over to her meeting. She walked in the door and out poured her horror, her grief, her devastating ordeal. The five RAs in the room, her friends, my Mary among them, as well as the Dean in charge were traumatized and rushed to hold Manue as she continued, almost incoherently to relate what she saw and did. The boy, Anthony, still wore traces of St Patricks Day makeup from a crazy college party, the night before. Manue related this piece of information and it stuck in my Mary's head and haunts her to this day.
Manue found Anthony on a Tuesday night. He had killed himself Friday, St Patricks day had been the night before. It took several days to discover him.
The dean had to go over to be with the body until the police investigation was over. The college went into emergency mode evacuating all the kids in that dorm, providing housing and immediate counseling. A decision was made to keep the five RAs (Manue's parents were called and her Dad took her home) in the loop. The college wanted the five RAs to know exactly what was going on every step of the way. The administration knew these kids had been affected in a much more personal way than the rest of campus. Any one of them could have found the dead boy.
I called Mary that night as I always did, timing my call for the end of the meeting. We would talk while she walked alone across the campus in the dark. I always felt better that I was "keeping her company" on the walk.
When I called the night, she became hysterical at the sound of my voice. It took a while to understand what she was saying. I so desperately wanted to bring her home. But she was in the middle of this and needed to remain on campus. I made her walk to her best friend Ali's room and Ali promised he would remain with her through the night if she needed.
They stayed in his room and she shared with him her emotions. Ali, a med student, felt he could handle whatever she said. He later told me it was a mistake. He was also haunted by this sad, sad event.
After a while Mary wanted to go back to her room. He walked her over and sat next to her until around three a.m. when she finally drifted off to sleep. Her roommate came in and Ali left.
Sarah, her roommate sensed something was up. Mary awoke and shared the night's pain. Then early the next morning the RAs were pulled aside and told not to share the information with other students. Mary was horrified and raced back to her dorm. "Sarah, I wasn't suppose to talk to you."
Sarah was immediately suspicious of the Administration's request. She sensed a cover up. Of course she did. She was a writer and more importantly the Editor of Brown's daily newspaper. She had a healthy suspicion of authority. "Please Sarah, I spoke to you as a friend. I shouldn't have. But I didn't speak to you as a newsperson." Sarah was torn between loyalty to a friend and obligations as a reporter.
I meanwhile was looking up every possible piece of info about suicide. In my research I came across a startling fact. Publicizing suicide, most especially suicide concerning teenagers and college students, increases suicide. It's called the "cluster effect."
Brown was not trying to hide what happened. They were trying to prevent a repeat of it. I began to email Mary my findings to give to Sarah. She read them thoughtfully. Then the administration also spoke with her about the same phenomena.
In the end the Brown Daily Herald published a brief and respectful piece with the slant on getting help to those who might need to talk. Sarah kept her word to her friend but was able to remain true to her journalistic sensibilities.
I know it sounds strange that publicizing suicide should bring about this cluster effect. But it sadly often does. Even fellow students participating in the funeral of a dead friend who ended his life, increases the risk for those students to take their own.
I have been reflecting on Anthony's suicide in the wake of the most recent Amish shootings. I wonder if the cluster effect is related to this type of violent crime. Those that "go postal" certainly have a death wish and often end up dying in a hail of gunfire, or self inflict after they have committed their evil deed.
But by publishing their hateful crimes, are we perhaps contributing to the cluster effect? I am compelled to read every word about these tragedies. I am, like most parents, horrified at the very thought that such a thing could happen to my own kids.
But this morning I read that the day the Amish shooter bought his weapons and began his plan, was the day of the Bailey school attack.
It feels unAmerican to not dissect every second of these crimes. We feel we have the right to know everything that goes on. But the reality may very well be that feeding our need to know is fueling this type of crime.
The violent crime rate has been going down for over a decade. It has. In study after study this is shown to be true. But our need to know, and the commercial interests of the media do not broadcast that fact. They instead give us every minute detail of a crime that may inspire copycats.
I know we should not turn away from news just because it is scary or makes us uncomfortable. But if the violent crime rate continues to go down, if we live in an America that is truly safer than ten years ago, Why does it not feel like that?
When Brown made the decision to follow guidelines established by experts to help their student population, they risked antagonizing their student paper. But they treated the editor with respect and as a fellow professional. They showed her the studies, like the ones I had found. That young woman made a brave decision to help her school community.
I wonder though, if school shootings are found to cluster, to be copycats, will the commercial media in our country be as brave?
So why the Amish school house shooting? Why Bailey Colorado? Why Columbine?
When my daughter Mary was at Brown she was an RA, a job she enjoyed greatly. Each Tuesday night the other RAs would meet with the Dean and go over school news, how dorms and kids were doing, etc. On the Tuesday after St Paddy's Day her junior year, she was heading to her meeting and met up with one of her RA friends. This girl, Manue was going to be a bit late. There was a strange smell she had to check out in one of the hallways of her dorm. No she didn't need Mary's company she would meet up with her later at the meeting.
The young woman stood infront of a dorm door where the smell was strongest, the room of a boy named Anthony. She knocked for a bit and after no response unlocked the door with her master key. He had committed suicide.
The RA slipping into shock stepped back and called 911. The police came immediately and treated the situation like any crime scene, with cool professionalism. There had never been a suicide on the Brown campus. But all colleges have a "plan" in case this horrific situation should occur.
The cops, most Dad's themselves did their jobs quickly and tried not to think of the parents of this dead boy. No one gave a thought to the young RA leaning against the wall.
Still in shock, Manue automatically headed over to her meeting. She walked in the door and out poured her horror, her grief, her devastating ordeal. The five RAs in the room, her friends, my Mary among them, as well as the Dean in charge were traumatized and rushed to hold Manue as she continued, almost incoherently to relate what she saw and did. The boy, Anthony, still wore traces of St Patricks Day makeup from a crazy college party, the night before. Manue related this piece of information and it stuck in my Mary's head and haunts her to this day.
Manue found Anthony on a Tuesday night. He had killed himself Friday, St Patricks day had been the night before. It took several days to discover him.
The dean had to go over to be with the body until the police investigation was over. The college went into emergency mode evacuating all the kids in that dorm, providing housing and immediate counseling. A decision was made to keep the five RAs (Manue's parents were called and her Dad took her home) in the loop. The college wanted the five RAs to know exactly what was going on every step of the way. The administration knew these kids had been affected in a much more personal way than the rest of campus. Any one of them could have found the dead boy.
I called Mary that night as I always did, timing my call for the end of the meeting. We would talk while she walked alone across the campus in the dark. I always felt better that I was "keeping her company" on the walk.
When I called the night, she became hysterical at the sound of my voice. It took a while to understand what she was saying. I so desperately wanted to bring her home. But she was in the middle of this and needed to remain on campus. I made her walk to her best friend Ali's room and Ali promised he would remain with her through the night if she needed.
They stayed in his room and she shared with him her emotions. Ali, a med student, felt he could handle whatever she said. He later told me it was a mistake. He was also haunted by this sad, sad event.
After a while Mary wanted to go back to her room. He walked her over and sat next to her until around three a.m. when she finally drifted off to sleep. Her roommate came in and Ali left.
Sarah, her roommate sensed something was up. Mary awoke and shared the night's pain. Then early the next morning the RAs were pulled aside and told not to share the information with other students. Mary was horrified and raced back to her dorm. "Sarah, I wasn't suppose to talk to you."
Sarah was immediately suspicious of the Administration's request. She sensed a cover up. Of course she did. She was a writer and more importantly the Editor of Brown's daily newspaper. She had a healthy suspicion of authority. "Please Sarah, I spoke to you as a friend. I shouldn't have. But I didn't speak to you as a newsperson." Sarah was torn between loyalty to a friend and obligations as a reporter.
I meanwhile was looking up every possible piece of info about suicide. In my research I came across a startling fact. Publicizing suicide, most especially suicide concerning teenagers and college students, increases suicide. It's called the "cluster effect."
Brown was not trying to hide what happened. They were trying to prevent a repeat of it. I began to email Mary my findings to give to Sarah. She read them thoughtfully. Then the administration also spoke with her about the same phenomena.
In the end the Brown Daily Herald published a brief and respectful piece with the slant on getting help to those who might need to talk. Sarah kept her word to her friend but was able to remain true to her journalistic sensibilities.
I know it sounds strange that publicizing suicide should bring about this cluster effect. But it sadly often does. Even fellow students participating in the funeral of a dead friend who ended his life, increases the risk for those students to take their own.
I have been reflecting on Anthony's suicide in the wake of the most recent Amish shootings. I wonder if the cluster effect is related to this type of violent crime. Those that "go postal" certainly have a death wish and often end up dying in a hail of gunfire, or self inflict after they have committed their evil deed.
But by publishing their hateful crimes, are we perhaps contributing to the cluster effect? I am compelled to read every word about these tragedies. I am, like most parents, horrified at the very thought that such a thing could happen to my own kids.
But this morning I read that the day the Amish shooter bought his weapons and began his plan, was the day of the Bailey school attack.
It feels unAmerican to not dissect every second of these crimes. We feel we have the right to know everything that goes on. But the reality may very well be that feeding our need to know is fueling this type of crime.
The violent crime rate has been going down for over a decade. It has. In study after study this is shown to be true. But our need to know, and the commercial interests of the media do not broadcast that fact. They instead give us every minute detail of a crime that may inspire copycats.
I know we should not turn away from news just because it is scary or makes us uncomfortable. But if the violent crime rate continues to go down, if we live in an America that is truly safer than ten years ago, Why does it not feel like that?
When Brown made the decision to follow guidelines established by experts to help their student population, they risked antagonizing their student paper. But they treated the editor with respect and as a fellow professional. They showed her the studies, like the ones I had found. That young woman made a brave decision to help her school community.
I wonder though, if school shootings are found to cluster, to be copycats, will the commercial media in our country be as brave?
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