Yon, Cookie, and Sue

Anticipation and Adoption

Today we went for a very long drive, an hour and forty five minutes out, for a 30 minute stop, and then an hour and forty five minutes back. Mind you I did not drive. As a matter of fact due to my back I saw very little of the scenery since I now take car trips lying on my back, pillow under head and knees, to avoid compressing the discs even more than they already are.
Even undertaking such a long trip and tying both Don and I up on a Saturday pre- herniated discs would have been foolish, let alone taking all the time to do this road trip today. But did we quibble over the wasted day? We did not. As a matter of fact we happily brought Yon, Jamie, and Julie along. I am sure you are wondering by now just what would entice us on such an adventure for only 30 minutes of enjoyment.
The answer is a little 13 month old red head named Cookie. Cookie the homeless cocker spaniel. Cookie whose owners had to sadly surrender her because of landlord issues. Cookie who needs an adoptive family met Yon an adopted child who also had to be re homed!
Cookie met us in that cheerful way spaniels have all waggly tailed friendliness. She kissed us all, she tried to climb into the Blaussmobile, she barked and sat and panted and did all those delightful doggy things one would expect of a pup.
I of course fell in love instantly and so looked to Donnie for his opinion. I can fall in love in a second. I always see the cup not just half-full but over flowing. It is easy for me to envision any new family member fitting in. Therefore Donnie has to serve not only as chauffeur but also as judge and jury. Jamie and Julie were no help in this as they too were instantly captivated by a pair of soft brown eye, golden red hair, and a puppy kiss.
Donnie stood back to observe although Cookie managed to elicit a pat from him once she spotted him. He grinned at me when I caught his eye and gave a little shrug.
"Of course she's perfect."
Yon stared at her in fascination. A few times he seemed overwhelmed. For instance as I was holding her for a picture and he crowded in close to touch her paws she lovingly gave him a lick and his eyes filled. Later after she was put back in her immaculate shelter pen (Second Chance Animals in East Brookfield is a gem of a place!) we paused in front of her to say goodbye.
Yon lifted his hand to wave to her and broke down in sobs. After he pulled himself together he said they were "happy tears."
He has mourned Champ's passing since November and has been ready for a new dog. But thinking about it and the reality of a pup in front of him is a big step. To find out we will not know for certain if we will be Cookie's chosen family or not until next week is tough on him. But of course it is a big responsibility for the shelter to make sure each pet makes it to the right family.
The funny thing is, when my family first met Yon it was also on Memorial Day Weekend 30 years ago. My parents had applied to adopt him after seeing him in the Sunday's Child section of the Boston Globe. My parents of course had already met Yon in the presence of his foster mom and a social worker. But DSS wanted our whole family to meet Yon to see if he would fit in. After all the 3 of us were teenagers and Yon just a 7 year old mentally retarded little boy.
Of course we were all eager for a little brother, who wouldn't be? But then there was the inevitable wait for the decision to be made by the powers that be. Were we a right match for this smal child?
30 years later another wait is being undertaken - Another adoption decision to be made. Are we the right family for Cookie? The little boy is now a nearly 37 year old man. He has lost both his parents and his grandmother and his beagle in the last 9 years. He has had to move to a new town and get use to a new neighborhood, new Special Olympics group, new job.
He is in some ways still like that young boy of 30 years ago. But now he is the adult, waiting to see if his new companion will be a redheaded spaniel named Cookie.

Kissing

30 years ago tonight I had my first kiss. You know the real thing....a Love Boat kind of kiss. The kind that makes you go 'aha this is what they are talkin' about!'
Tonight we sat before the fire much as we did 30 year ago. One of the big differences was the temperature, tonight was a good 65 degrees warmer! The other difference was the company....tonight various children sat, sang, and bickered before THIS fire.
I can remember when the children were small how I longed for them to go to bed so Donnie could sing all his songs to me, instead of their constant interruptions and clamouring for THEIR songs. I do not know when the need for them to leave left me. Now when Don plays by the fire I am always thinking....; "that is Corey's song" or "Where is Mary to sing that tonight........"
Over this weekend we have had various children and their friends by the fire. Some of the kids are new. A couple even dared to 'sit' on MY lounge chair. Can you imagine such a thing?
I have finally gotten all kids to go to bed or at least leave me in peace by the fire. Donnie is showering, Bam Bam insists on hogging the lower half of my lounge chair and for some reason Pale Face the cat assumes I am lonely and so twines himself all around me, purring and kneading.....
Hard to imagine I have 30 years of memory... but I still remember the exact moment, what I was wearing, where we were, every thing about it, especially that cold cold cold New Hampshire air...the sounds of the Pemigewasset river.....the very DARK NIGHT, WARM LIPS, A HEAVY BODY LEANING ON MINE.... AND OH MY GOOD NESS......

MY DAUGHTER MARY IS BUYING A HOUSE

Ok I cannot even blog about it I am so excited and of course I do not want to jinx them. But my baby, my little baby (ok technically she never was a LITTLE baby since she entered this world weighing a whopping 10.4, but still....) and her sweet husband are buying their very first home.....a home btw so much nicer than her family manse.....a home that was a school house 300 hundred years ago.....a home that is 15 minutes away....a home that has room for pets...... ok I better leave this entry as clearly I am tooo excited to write in proper English and- my poor spelling to the contrary- I actually do respect the English language and here I am breaking every grammatical rule......think I will dance about the house as my baby girl is buying a home!

Mother's Daze

Mother's Day was a picnic with Donnie and all the kids (sans Corey who was trying to move from one dorm on campus to another all in one day!) We went into Boston to the Arboretum as it was Lilac Sunday. Such a good idea. So good infact that about a million other people also brought THEIR mothers :>)
The lilacs looked beautiful and is there any flower that smells sweeter? Donnie really liked the looks of some of the white varieties with super dense flower clusters. I had him jot down the name of a red lilac called Miss Canada, that I would love to add to our garden. The kids were great, so good in fact that Donnie and Mary treated them to icecream, and it was just a fun day to plant and people watch, all the while discussing housing possibilities for Mary and Matt as they are seriously house hunting.
I of course hoarde my gifts and keep track of who gives me what. Monetary value does not matter, the fact that they remember counts for everything! Tim gave me a gift card to use with him (of course) at Fridays. Jamie used a part of a Shaws gift card to buy treats for the picnic. (He was given the gift card at work for helping out some customers) Julie gave me a quirky little pin. Nikki made me a sign. So fun.
What was unfun was the way I was transported to and from Boston. Sitting compresses my back and car trips are especially painful. Laying down for an hour or so in the van is awkward and uncomfortable but at least it is doable.
As for my back.....well it seems the discs in my neck from C4 to C7 herniated and ruptured. Add to that some kind of arthritusy sounding thing which translates to weakened back I guess , means I go to a Spinal Specialist on June 2 in Boston. Apparently it is surgery for me.
Lots of unanswered questions at this time. I do not mind them as much as the pain however. If I lay down a lot or stand I do pretty well. Once I compress the nerves by sitting (like to eat or drive or work) well the pain revs up to unbearable.
The doctor's appointment after the MRI was so surreal. He was horrified by the images on the MRI, I was stunned by his concern and the next steps to take. I actually left his office, wandered out to the car, and cried. Later I had lots of questions. I even had trouble exactly remembering what word choices he used 'some herniated? all herniated? ruptured and herniated? arthro, what?'
When I called the next day to get some answers they of course assured me that it was normal to leave with questions or to need things repeated. But it certainly was not normal for me. As the daughter of a nurse I am usually persistent and precise about these things. But this back thing really has swamped my coping skills.
Ah well I had one really bad day but then my suck it up look at the bright side genes kicked in and it has not been too bad since that one awful day. I still do not understand why I have to wait an entire month to see the specialist which then adds up to 2 straight months of pain. But I can remember my poor father getting a cancer diagnosis and then waiting 6 weeks SIX WEEKS to get into the specialist!
In the meantime I am doing the best I can to be in the best shape I can be in. Running is out for now but I am doing some therapeutic yoga and am awaiting a call back from an acupuncturist. I am also trying to walk aerobically. Movement is strange because my right arm and shoulder suffer mightily from pain and marked weakness, yet you can touch and move the arm and shoulder around no problem since the pain emanates from the spine not the limb.
You would think bumping the elbow or grabbing the hand would hurt more but nope. The body is a mysterious thing. I remain upbeat and patient at work. The kids at home I imagine find me grouchier. I try to remain patient but every second as the pain builds and then they add some stupid escapade or grouchiness of their own, well the sparks do fly.
Tim and Mary grasp the seriousness of course. But sometimes I believe Jamie and Nikki think these discs are an inconvenience added to THEIR day. I thought most of it was over Joe's head although he does surprise me sometimes with his insight. He often keeps me company and we watch Malcom in the Middle, Bernie Mac, or Everybody Hates Chris. (The shows are on right after school or just before his bedtime. I find sometimes laying down for an hour makes the pain reduced enough so then I can cook supper or drop off pick up somebody.)
Yesterday he had wanted me to come out to the bunny barn as some of the kits are starting on solid food. I of course had been observing them in the morning before work. But in the afternoon I really needed to ease the pain and so could not move from the bed. I could not even read, computer search, or turn on the tv. I was just trying to count my breaths and do a yoga-y prayer thing until the pain settled.
"Boy mom," he said all concerned. "If I just laid around I would have fun watching tv and not even think about doing anything else. But I don't think I could be you. I mean all the fun things outside you cannot do. All the fun things you cannot go and see. You are stuck in this room. Man I would not know how to not worry and be all upset and stuff."
So apparently he has glimpsed at one of the hardest parts to all of this. I have a very high pain tolerance. I have never really let my back dictate what I can and can not do. But this sure has me licked right now.....
Day to day minute to minute I keep thinking on June 2 it will be taken care of. Of course June 2 is just a new and unchartered step..... So I think of Better Davis. Didn't she say "Buckle up boys, its going to be a bumpy ride."
Everyone has troubles, everyone has some pain. I am lucky. I am so very lucky I tell myself. I believe it too. But in the last 6 weeks there have been a few times when the physical pain eclipses hunger, laughter, positive thinking, and joy.
Then there is the secret fear in my darkest thoughts when the pain really begins to rev. What if this time the pain gets worse, gets longer, does not go away?

Special Indeed

Yesterday I got a wonderful treat. I was able to fill in for a one on one aide in the specials needs classroom during the morning before heading for my regular kindergarten class in the afternoon. As you may recall last Fall I spent quite a bit of time in this room as a floater aide, filling in as needed while they adjusted to the new crop of kids and their myriad of signifigant needs.
Of course there are all those privacy rules and confidentiality stuff that prevent me from being to specific. Let me just say up front that every single one of us should be grateful for having the ability to talk, use our arms and legs, and having the intellect to be able to both comprehend and communicate our most basic needs!
My stupid pinched nerve I suppose should have excluded me from taking the assignment. The job is very physical and requires a lot of sitting and squatting. The sitting and car driving sets the pain off and only laying down for long periods of time (sometimes with the help of heavy medication) settle down the nerve.
Commonsense would indicate turning down the job. But oh if you only knew the magic that happens in this classroom you too would have agreed that the pain was worth it.
To begin with the adults in this room, teacher, aides, therapists etc are upbeat, child centered, funny , and oh so patient. But it is the valiant work that the kids bring to their day that is amazing.
The strides these children have made since I last really saw them in October are overwhelming. The work and dedication of their parents, educators, and the kids themselves is unbelievable.
Arrrggg writing about it without being able to be specific means I lose the impact of this room and the magic within it. Lets see, leaving names out and specific diagnosis....the child I was working with was almost completely nonverbal last Fall and his behaviors made it nearly impossible for someone not completely familiar to him to be able to work with any effectiveness with him. Now in May he is speaking pretty clearly in single words, identifies his alphabet, follows a story, and although he did try to pull a few little tricks on me to see how far he could push the sub, he did it with a twinkle in his eye and not in fear or anger. It was so rewarding!!!
I love my little kindergarten classroom and the teacher who after 32 years of service to our town as a teacher still approaches the children with and easy going style that is a true gift. I really love it and I also love the hours of my work day!
But oh dear if an opening occurs in that special needs classroom I could be so tempted to jump ship and work one on one in little tiny incrememnts to make little tiny steps to that elusive and impossible word, normal. Special indeed.

May 2, and all that Jazz

Tonight we had another marshmellow fire in the garden. Have we ever had this many fires in spring? I do not think so.
Tim spent all day painting fences. I continued to slowly and methodically plant veggie seedlings. (Remember I am not going to Kvetch about the damn pinched nerve and all its inconveniences:>) Donnie was a no show for much of the day, pursuing his Civil War hobby and then umpiring a little girl's softball game.
Younger kids spent the day either out of sight or angry. Being a teen is much tougher on these younger of our children although I am not sure why. Are we just too tired to be patient enough? Does their birth history destine them to a tougher time? Whatever the case I sometimes think it is not Donnie's hesitation that stops us from fostering more children, it is the adolescence of the latest children :>p
Anyway I spent most of the day out of doors. It is still quite a shock to enter the house and see the beautiful new living room and stairway and hallway rug. Each time I come indoors I am newly surprised and pleased to see it. Combine that with the fresh spring smell of lilacs that spruce up my Mom and my Nana's vases and you can just imagine our home these last few days.
Then add to the mix, the miracle of baby bunnies who are just now opening their eyes.... well it really does not get better than this.
I kept thinking that today "it just does not get better than this." In spite of my stupid stupid painful neck and arm, "it just does not get better than this."

The lilacs smell incredible.

The baby buns are too precious for words.

The campfire crackles and snaps and smells heavenly.

Then this evening as we were singing around the campfire the primary school vice principal called. Could I possibly do a one on one with a little boy who has Down Syndrome?
Are you kidding me? To spend the morning in that magical classroom filled with nonverbal, non toilet trained little folk well who could ask for anything more? Of COURSE I can do that.
Screw the pinched nerve. Who cares about pain? I am stuck with that anyway. At least tomorrow I get to be useful.
How great is my life?

For Corey

After I wrote my poor poor pitiful me blog, I went out to the garden to sit before the fire. Except I was too sore to start the fire and my lounge chair was way across the garden. Instead I plunked down in it and with BamBam deliriously splayed across my lap I began rereading for the umpteenth time one of my favorite Regency romances.

The Lilacs are beginning to bloom as are the apple trees and as always I feel very rich sitting in my little piece of paradise. Later as the fire was blazing merrily and various children, ours and various and sundry friends , were roasting marshmallows and making s'mores Don began playing his guitar and singing.

Now when the children were very small I could hardly wait for their bedtime so Don and I would have a quiet evening where he would sing all of our songs. Of course the kiddoes all had their favorites and made certain Don fit those in before they begrudgingly headed for bed. As they grew older they insisted their father learn some more current songs and they even played along.

Many songs, like those by Cold Play say or Dave Matthews became Mary standards or Julie standards. Tonight though Don played a throwback, an older country song that Corey use to love since he was a little boy.



"Strapped on my holster low across my hips,
with 2 Colt 45s, with plastic grips.
Then I d head west thru our neighborhood.
And they would say here comes young Billy and he's up to no good.

I rode a trail thru the neighbor's backkyard,
A shooting the bad guys thru my handlebars.
Known for my bravery both far and near,
Being late for supper was my only fear.

I miss Billy the Kid,
the life that he had, the times that he lived.
I guess he must have got caught, his innocence lost.
Now I wonder where he lives, I miss Billy the kid.

These days I don't know whose side to be on.
There is such a thin line between right and wrong.
I live and learn do the best I can.
There's only so much you can do as a man.

I miss Billy the kid,
The life that he had, the times that he lived.
I guess he must have got cost his innocent lost.
Now I wonder where he lives, I miss Billy the kid."

We all grow up
but Billy The kid still lives within us.