Keeping it simple

This is me and my trusty cup of water. Seems rather silly to photograph it for posterity doesn't it? But in these weeks of recovery certain key items become a treasured part of the routine. I am sure I mentioned that in the first few days I slept with and kept with me while I sat, a soft little stuffed animal lamb.Mostly I rested the lamb up by my neck where its light fleecy softness was both a comfort and some sort of guardian of my healing neck wound.
The lamb is now back on her usual shelf,its services no longer required. Although I have a little self consciousness about the visual healing scar I apparently no longer feel as fragile or as in the need of comfort.
But one of the items that has not left my side since coming home from the hospital has been my trusty Tupperware Impressions blue cup with its dripless seal and straw. Sounds like a commercial for Tupperware doesn't it!
Of course being a Tupperware lady I have lots of drink containers to choose from. I have my insulated mug, so awesome for tea. I have my giant insulated cup that I like to pour my vodka into (it holds I think 24 ounces, now THAT'S a drink!) I even have both large and small water bottles with their little pour spouts. I loved taking the large sports bottle to the gym because the bottom had a little holder for my car key and my gym card.
But in these nearly 4 weeks of recovery it is the lowly blue cup that has been my trusty companion. It holds 16 ounces. True it is not insulated, but I prefer room temperature fresh water. Also my throat, especially in those early raw days could not cope with anything really warm or really cool.
The cup is lightweight which really mattered in those first few days when my grip was still so tentative. Now of course, I feel the full strength of my arm. But the cup still holds its purpose.
When you have an AFDC and your newly acquired cadaver bones are busily fusing with your very own vertebrae, tipping your head back to drink is not a pleasant experience. But my little bendy straw, secure in its dripless seal provides the perfect way to remain hydrated without becoming a contortionist.
So my cup travels room to room with me. I need lots of water to have food soft enough to go down. I need lots of water for healing. I need lots of water for weight watchers. Heck I need lots of water because every day in July has been freaking 92 degrees!
My cup comes with me on those solo walks in my back yard and garden. And now that I can finally venture (ok with company) along the bogs and woods, my cup joins me to keep me hydraated.
I see the doctor Monday and then in 2 weeks I get another xray to check on the fusion rate and find out if I can return to all those activites that I miss, swimming, weight lifting, gardening, bike riding and heaven halp me- jogging!
I have a little more energy each day, a few little setbacks but over all things are good. I think Don and the kids= although a low key summer= are having a good one.
My trusy cup and I are cozy in front of a Pirates of the Carribean movie, helping my body do its healing thing

Dream Weavers

Are you one of those people who believes that dreams are trying to tell you something? Mary's dear friend Holly keeps a pad of paper and a pen by her bedside and faithfully jots down her dreams, even if she wakes in the middle of the night. Or do you think what you dream is based on what odd thing you ate before heading off to sleep? Maybe dreams occur because of what we watched on TV or what was spoken of at the dinner table.
When my parents first died I was desperate to dream about them. Not because I thought they had a message for me....I made them both promise NOT to come back and tell me anything......ghosts totally freak me out. I am confident in my father's version of heaven and quite frankly if he was wrong I don't really want to know until I get there anyway! I was simply longing to see their faces and hear their voices and maybe feel and smell them.
(Touch and scent do not happen in many people's dreams or so I have read. But when I am deeply dreaming I have the ability to do both.) In the first years after their death, their very presence in a dream would actually partially wake me up and I would try to manipulate the dream to see them clearer or something. All the while though I could feel the grief my waking self felt.Now however when I catch them in a dream I do not note it as something unusual. When I wake though I always smile at the thought of them.
But both Don and I had very vivid dreams the other night (not the same dream) and I have been thinking about them and wanted to share them with you. My dream I am pretty sure came about because I had been speaking earlier that day about Camp Kiwanee with Don's sisters and then right before bed I had FB commented back and forth with on of the play people whom I also work with. So my guess is the combination of these two things at least brought about the setting of my dream.
In my dream the play people were gathered about for a new play rehearsal. All the usual suspects were there. It was one of those deep dreams were I could both feel and smell the things around me. In the dream I was dancing with my friend's husband. Again I guess not a hard stretch to imagine since he has been my dance partner in the last 2 plays. Both of us were dancing away while the entire cast watched us. I was deliriously happy and we both flirted shamelessly while we danced. My body felt so good, so alive to move pain free across the floor. I could smell the cleanshavedness of Jeff feel our bodies come together and touch as the dance required. The dream was so complete so realistic I even felt that twinge of annoyance when I looked over and spotted his wife earnestly discussing some costume pattern with one of the directors. Shouldn't she be jealous that I was flirting geeeez doesn't anyone around here see me as a femme fatale? Apparently I said it out loud but Jeff just laughed and twirled me. He was too busy being beside himself that we were THE BEST DANCERS THERE. He kept saying it over and over amid his share of flirting. I suppose this was the one clue to let me know it was just a dream. We are both good actors but Fred and Ginger we ain't. Still I woke up smiling and the jubilant feelings of flirting and moving stayed with me. I suppose if the dream were being analyzed it would be something along the lines of my longing to be totally pain free and moving happily in my life. (Just a note, I FB Jeff to tease him about my dream and he FB back."I was wondering why my feet hurt when I woke up this morning!" His wife sent along an even more amusing note "quit dreaming about my husband." Made my day for her to even pretend to be jealous.
Ok so my dream can logically be explained, but Donnie's? Here goes HIS dream. So as you know he sleeps totally squishing me on my side of the bed like I am a body pillow. On this night his body began to twitch that way it sometimes does just before a person drifts off to sleep, one of those full body twitches. I was a little surprised because his dead weight arm splayed across me and his even breathing in my ear seemed to indicate that he already had been sleeping deeply. The twitch happened a second time and then a short time later it happened again. With the fourth twitch I realized that I could feel his heart pounding (I told you he really squishes me to hog my side of the bed!) Then he began breathing more heavily and rather alarmed that he was having a nightmare or some sort of health crisis I woke him up. when I asked what was wrong he replied in a grumbling sleepy grouchy voice "soccer game." WHAT??? "soccer soccer" he muttered as if it should be obvious "there is a soccer game going on." I told him about the physical manifestations and how concerned I had been. He did not particularly respond and I could feel him drifting back into sleep. "Tell me you are not gonna go back into that soccer game again." There was silence and I thought he had already gone back to sleep when he rolled over to hold my hand in the dark and shaking his head he said "Its between two mafia gangs. It is not gonna end well."
Now what in the hell was that about? We never play, watch, or ref. soccer. We have never discussed the Mafia or watched or read anything about them either. Taking my silence for continued interest he said in a sleepy voice "you see Sue the mafia will never be able to settle their differences with soccer. it just won't end well." then as if that had been a coherent and reasonable conversation he squeezed my hand and went back to sleep.
I lay there, wide awake in the dark for a very long time. My first thought was "what the hell did he eat before bed?" my second thought was that maybe we have been married too long. Who else would lay there in the dark having such a nonsense conversation as if it were the most reasonable thing in the world.

How you look at things

Well it has been three weeks. Three whole weeks. I am slowly picking back up my life. Too slowly for me, not slow enough for Donnie.
Sunday I went to Mass for the first time since Confirmation. Before surgery the rising and sitting (since we have no kneelers) was a spinal compression killer and I spent a good part of Jamie's Confirmation standing against the back wall.
But since I can now stand and sit with ease... I will say having no peripheral vision because of the neck collar makes it much easier to sit next to Joe and not watch his contortion antics.
As I was praying and reflecting it occurred to me to look at my recovery in a different way. For 3 months I had been slowly physically deteriorating. Each day I could do a little less and was in a little more pain. There was never one big dramatic moment just a steady progression of infirmity. But in the three weeks since the surgery I have slowly improved. Again there has been no big dramatic moment (OK coming out of anesthesia and realizing I could feel my right hand was a bit exciting!) Yet each day there is some small step forward.
The problem with daily pain is that it does color how you see your life. But it is nearly impossible to step back from the pain in order to best assess what is going on. I am trying to have pain free periods during the day but truly that only holds true if I literally do nothing but sit and rest.
When I am up walking or doing basic lite household duties I get a tension like headache. Also and I may have already mentioned this, I have a very noticeable neck pain that the nurse believes is muscle spasms where the neck is being held up so rigidly straight by the cadaver bones and plates. She says that will eventually go away. I can keep that neck pain from occurring if I do absolutely nothing but that is easier said then done. Of course by days end when I am at my tiredest it is hard not to worry that I have traded severe pain for a more moderate but nevertheless permanent pain. Then I have to go back and remember that I am imrpvong each day in measurable ways and to remain as ever the patient patient.
Meanwhile I am trying to add a little of this and that to my day. Yesterday for instance I went wading in Maquan pond. Today I decided to do a little bunny work.
I have 2 does that need to move out of their nursery cages to allow their babies to completely ween and have a little social time together before they too move to separate cages. This is not really a physical job. I mean the cages are already set up and the mamma's each weigh less than three pounds. I simply trim nails, check them over for overall health and then set up clean food and waterers for them. I then ran a hand over each bsby and resexed a few of them. (Dwarfs can be hard to tell if they have a schmickel or a who hoo!) I then looked over a few bucks and does to see who might be showable for the Midnight Madness show at the Topsfield Fairgrounds in 2 weeks. Donnie and I are going to trek up there. He will drive and lift and all I have to do is enter my bunnies and socialize!
Well it was a fun half hour doing one of the most enjoyable parts of animal husbandry. But the simple bending and twisting and moving about totally wore me out! It was not like I was cleaning cages. (Which I will not be allowed to do for 6 months because of the weight and awkwardness of the refuse filled pans). I could even understand how tatooing bunnies for shows because of the neck bending etc could be physically taxing. But simply moving a few buns and essentially playing with them was tiring. Really anything that requires my full concentration still tuckers me out.
Apparently the body sends a LOT of its energy and focus on physically healing and it resists focus being diverted to anything intellectually challenging. I just haev to trust that all of me will be back to normal soon enough.
It was however a true pleasure to spend some time with those baby bunnies and their mammas today. I think I will do it again tomorrow!

Ripe

The view from my recovery chair in the garden

Patience and pain

Today Donnie took the kids swimming and I admit to feeling a tad sorry for myself. It has been 16 days since the surgery and I would love to be out and about and down at the pond. But my stamina is still fragile and how unfair to everyone if we had to pack up and go back home after and hour or so. Plus I cannot get the newly forming scar wet.
Today and tomorrow I have promised Donnie to do nothing more than rest so I can go with him Friday night for an overnight visit with some friends down in Wareham. I will not be able to swim or kayak there either, and I imagine the hammock will prove too challenging to get in and out of. But our friends will be there and it will be a fun time chatting and listening to them.
Don and I have made some small steps back into the real world after my doctor's visit on Monday.I made it through my entire weight watchers meeting. We went out to lunch and for a walk down in Plymouth along Town Brook. I have done Shaws shopping (admittedly more as a spectator than as a participant). I even went out to Brant Rock albeit during low tide so I did not jump along rock to rock along the jetty, but instead carefully picked my way thru the low stones and sand of the very exposed beach. I have even gone to the movies.
All of these steps are inevitably followed by my needing to sleep or at least rest for a good stretch of day. As a matter of fact I lost steam along the Town Brook and while doze- resting on the park bench there I briefly imagined Don needing to canoe me back to the van.
What I am struggling with is the enduring neck pain which the nurse practitioner said is muscle spasms because my neck is now forcibly holding itself straight, something it has been unable to do for months.I am torn between wanting to do more each day and the inevitable battle at days end with pain and the need for medication.
So we decided a new approach today of complete rest and no trying to add a little more to my day. I think it is showing promise. I realised as I sat under the dappled shade of the grape vines that I was feeling no pain....first time in 3 months.
That realization has brought enormous relief....you really have no idea. It has been so hard to imagine the pain finally gone, and gone witohut medicinal help (and therefore without the enevitable side effects that go along with medicated relief.)
I know there is still a ways to go. But it has really given me a boost to feel everything finally coming into place. It certainly makes it more easy to be patient.

tic tac toe in the garden

 

Sunday morning up with the larks...

OK in theory I am not suppose to do anything until at least after I see the doctor tomorrow. But I think doing 'nothing' is subjective don't you?
This morning my neck would not allow me to sleep comfortably in the bed and I did not wish to sleep anywhere else. So after having to wake up Donnie to help me get out of bed, I shoe-ed him back in and I said I would start the day.
Lest you think this is breaking the 'do nothing rule', now that the children are older and it is summer vacation starting the day is not really too much.
I let the dogs out and fed and watered them on the back porch, being very careful to carry food and water out one at a time and watching my step on the step. I did get distracted by Stumpy the tailless squirrel that lives in one of our tall pines. He was in a raging temper for such a lovely day, chattering away at some robin just above his head.
I then prepared Yon's lunch box because on Sunday's during the summer his Special Olympic swim team builds sheds. Last year they spent all summer building one for a cat shelter. How about that? Think your charity giving and volunteer work is enough? Don't you feel positively lazy lounging about in bed on a Sunday morning while Special Olympic athletes, their coaches, and various family members build sheds to help someone else?
They rely on Yon as he really knows how to swing a hammer and is very strong.Last night Don went out an bought him his very own tool belt, hammer, and tape measure, because at day's end Yon can never remember which hammer is Donnie's so he brings a new one back and forth each week.
I tease him while he staggers about making his own breakfast. I tell him the hammer's pink (it is not of course it is a very manly one and Don wood burned Yon's name into the handle!)
But Yon is not a morning person, certainly not before 3 cups of coffee so he does not find me amusing. He also does not thank me for making his lunch and carefully wrapping the soda to help it stay cool. Men can be so unappreciative!
I think I have convinced Donnie that I will not come to a tragic end if he leaves me alone after Mass for a couple of hours to take the kids swimming. It is a gazillion degrees and I have some concerns that they are starting to melt. They are certainly very moist!
As of yet I am not really up for a pond trip. Yesterday I was at the mall talking to the Verizon guys about phones. The entire trip from start to finish was an hour. (Donnie drove of course) when I returned home Reenie was here with gifts and good conversation. Corey even treated us to McDonald's although I could only eat half a hamburger (not even a Big Mac) and half a small fry.
But after maybe an hour and a half I started to fade. I ended up feeling totally wiped and vaguely sicky the rest of the day. Can you imagine a quick trip to the store and a visit with a dear friend and I was done in? Pathetic.
So needless to say my jobs for the day are done...feeding the dogs and getting Yon going this morning shall be the sum total of my productive work today. I will rest and follow all the doctor's orders and today I will appreciate the fact that as inconvenient and downright painful as recovery is...it sure beats the alternative! Carpe Diem.

A Learning Curve

Anything new has a learning curve as we are all aware. In these last ten days I have learned a lot. Lets see in no particular order: You miss alot when you temporarily have no periphery vision. Surgery recovery in your 40s takes twice as long as surgery recovery on your 20s. Laying around and doing nothing is VERY hard work. Laughing full belly laughs uses muscles in your neck and is verboten for now. A metal plate snuggly up against your esophagus takes some getting use to. A 'grabber' with suction cup like flanges is a life saver. Friends' little words of encouragement are gems, absolute gems.
We have 2 chairs that can recline...the zero gravity kind. Did I mention them in previous blogs? I think I did so I won't go into detail about them now. They are really the only things that I can get truly comfortable in.
But of course when you are tired or do not feel well your instinct is to want to lay in bed. I love my bed. It is from Jordan's Furniture. It has a little shelf and cabinet right above my pillow for my special things. (Regency Romance books, tissue, a back scratcher, and currently- a variety of drugs!) My bed has a light that is perfect to read by. It also has a little table next to it on my side that holds my laptop, cellphone, clicker, and a set of earphones that go to my tv so I can watch while my honey sleeps next to me. Above my bed Don rigged up my bookshelves that hold my favorite Regencies. My blankets and quilts are so comfy and of course my Donnie lies next to me stealing the blankets and most of the space.
My bed is a little haven....but right now during this part of my recovery my bed is not always an ideal place. I cannot get in and out of it without help. Plus sometimes no matter how we try or how many pillows we use, I cannot find a comfortable position to stay in.
According to my research most people spend 6 weeks or so on their recliner type chairs. But when I want to sleep I have the overwhelming urge to lay on my right side. Cannot in the chair. Of course I have dozed in the chairs but it is a teary feeling to want to curl up and you cannot.
The worst is a few times I have woken up in agony and no amount of pillow arranging will help. The other night I was crying because I was tired and sore. I felt terrible that Don was losing sleep trying to help me and when he finally said 'you have to go in the chair' I cried like it was the worst thing in the world.
Now Don is a practical man. Emotions except at their most basic level allude him. I am sure for the life of him he could not comprehend why it was such a devestating defeat to me to 'have to' sleep in the chair.
He wanted the pain to stop, he wanted me to sleep, and I am sure he wanted to BE asleep. I was embarrassed because of course the whole thing was quite probably stupid. But I spent 7 years having to work the night shift and having us sleep apart.
I HATED every night we did not spend together. I just can not bear to sleep apart no matter how immature and foolish it sounds.
Finally he pushed laundry out of the way and dragged the chair as close as he could to his side of the bed. (We do not really even have a bedroom since we sleep in the music room.) then he dragged the chair as close to his side as possible although the chair is way lower than the bed. (Don's step dad made built-ins for underneath so our bed is more like a nest and I have to climb up on a box to get in an out of it!) He got me in the chair, made me take a painpill and then he climbed into the bed abd tried to show me it was just as good.
Of course it was not but he almost immediately fell into an exhausted sleep and so I made sure he did not hear me sniffle. Certainly the chair was angled to offer true relief to my back and neck and the pain pills finished their job just fine.
It was not the same tho. Since that terrible night I take to my bed as little as possible so that when I do get in it I can sleep next to him. I love and appreciate the chairs as sitting is a little thought og luxury until you can no longer do it in comfort.
Jan and Feb with my broken tailbone I could nto sit. Then for the last 3 months with the disc stuff, sitting compressed the nerves horribly. So I like that I can sit at the supper table, or with help getting on and off, can join my family on the sofa.
But oh I am counting the seconds until enough healing as occured that my bed is once again is my little love nest:>)

Dozing in the garden

You imagine recovery as a slow but steady progress. You think of it in terms of a line. This morning I can do this, tomorrow night I can do that etc.
When you read up on folks who underwent what you are going thru it also seems like a steady progression where each day is a little better than the one before until tada, you are you again. You may even remember past recovery times in terms of steady steps towards healing.
But when you are in the midst of it....well it is no line. It is relentless and stark and more like a dance when you have had too much to drink. You weave in and out, lose your place, stumble a bit, things are a bit fuzzy, giddy sometimes but then again nauseous.
You try to plan your day thinking things like today I will walk 20 minutes longer. But your body is following a plan not of your making. Perhaps it decides to run a fever all day, but just under the 'call the doctor' magic number of 101.5.
Or you have had a great day when suddenly you are reaching for the waste bucket trying to survive contents which were so recently and painfully sent down your esophogus surging their way back out. (Anyone care to guess how well that went?)
My body has decided that throwing random hotflashes at me with lightening speed is an acceptable way to go. So did I walk too much in this heat? Am I running a fever? Is this a new symptom....no wait damn it its a hot flash......
Then there is the dance of medication. Need the pain meds. Got to have the pain meds. Have been on them with no trouble off an on for months. But now....these last few days.... thats right, the pain meds have decided that my digestive system no longer needs to function.
At least Exlax tastes marginally like chocolate.....
Today after eating half a tuna sandwhich, with cold milk, and a small handful of corn I headed out to sit in the garden in the shade.
I brought nothing but a glass of water with me. No book or magazine no laptop to distract me. Sitting in the garden is tiring all on its on.
Don set up one of those zero gravity camp chairs under the shade of the grape arbour for me. Its hot out but in the shade a cool breeze catches you. I sat in my chair, tilted it back and just breathed in the garden.
Birds were chirping and traffic soudns were in the distant but mostly it was the sound of the wind in the leaves.
Moments later I came too because I thought the neighbor kids were arguing in the yard. Turns out they were on bikes in the road having a typical kid bicker banter.
I was stunned to realize and hour had gone by. My body had dozed off because of course in this early part of recovery your body takes what it needs without compromise. Apparently I needed to sleep.
I did feel rich there in the moments of awakening, realizing that I was lounging in my garden.....Some parts of recovery do not totally suck.

Vulnerability

One of the more interesting outcomes after surgery is the almost overwhelming feeling of vulnerability. It is not one of the things usually listed on post op web sites. But if you talk to anyone who has ever had major surgery, nearely every person deals with it.
I was very lucky in that 4 times after my big surgeries I got to come home with a baby. A fifth surgery took place when I had a tiny foster son who had signifigant medical needs of his own. My recovery therefore was always pushed by the need to be available and whole for my babies.
That did not mean I did not have to deal with the confusing feelings that attend being vulnerable. It just meant I had to be much more cognitively aware about what was going on.
This time of course no baby. I do snuggle a small soft sheep as I lay in bed. The softness feels good against my neck and it is a reminder that my being in good shape means being able to take care of my animals, do bunny shows, help train Cookie, etc.
Donnie has never commented about the baby lamb that has joined us in bed. Either he feels that surgery means a lessening of rules (his rule-no stuffed aniamls in bed!) Or perhaps he is just so relieved that the 3 live dogs haven't climbed up that he is more than willing to overlook a child's Easter toy.
But it is emotional just after surgery. It is hard work to not overdue and it feels physically strange to have my neck sewn up and bandaged.
Hurts like hell to swallow and the back of my neck feels like rocks were dropped on it although all that will fade with time. But as I slowly walk in my yard, breathing in the sultry summer air I marvel at the miracle that is the human spinal column. I am humbled at the skill of a surgeon who performed such great work centimeters from permanent paralysis.
Tonight however I got stuck on my back though and had to call Julie to help me. Of course she was glad too, Everyone has offered help and prayers. She was happy to help me. She was so sympathetic though, of course it was a funny site.
She laughed when she left the room and I cried. I did not want her to feel bad. Earlier I had to shush her and her girlfriends who were happily banging around upstairs when I had been needing to get some rest. I was in pain and feeling overwhelmed and I knew that they were not meaning to be loud but I just could not cope.
But to feel so vulnerable, to not even be able to get up off my own bed.... It is not pleasant. At night I wake up everytime I need to roll over. Without a sound Donnie rises up and supports me so I can 'log roll' and not twist my neck.
All this goes away with time. Pretty soon I will be able to ride in the car, sit thru Mass, go for a swim. Pretty soon I will be back to bossy me in charge of everything.
But I will try to help those who feel vulnerable. I will try to keep in mind the feeling of helplessness. We all just need to be nicer to each other that is for darn sure.

ACDF 4 days post surgery

Anterior (front of the body) Cervical (neck) Discectomy(remove the disc) and Fusion (add a cadaver bone piece between the vertebra and screw plates to the vertebra to hold the bone in place until new bone grows around it). ACDF C5-6,C6-7.
Pretty amazing isn't it?
About 15 minutes after our noon arrival at the hospital our surgeon's office called to inform us that he was needed in an emergency situation and could not get to me until supper time. We could stick around waiting another five hours or could reschedule for the 20th of July.
We chose to wait although it certainly added additional suffering. On the hottest day of the year I had already fasted for 12 hours. Now I needed to fast an additional 5 hours. But first we walked 3 blocks in the blazing heat so I could at least have a magazine to pass the time.
Poor Donnie guiltily settled me back in the hospital waiting room so he could sneak to Dunkin Donuts and get a croissant and cold beverage.
By this point so close to surgery he was nervous. I no longer was having done all my worrying leading up to our big day.
Thankfully Mary got out of work in time to keep her father company. They chatted about his history interests and her work and distracted each other sufficiently.
I kept my prayer list going of people other than myself who were facing challenges. I did joke with the surgeon ahead of time reminding him that he could not leave my husband a widow stuck with all those kids.
The surgery itself only took 2 hours and went text book smooth. I have no pain in my arms, the numbness is gone down my arms mostly as well and I am getting strength back along the right side already.
There is a lot of upper back and neck pain although it is certainly a little better each day. The big challenge is swallowing. Not only is the esophagus sore from their manipulation of it. But the 2 little plates screwed into my spinal clolumn sort of rub up against it. So it always feels like I have something stuck in my thoat.
When the doctor decided to send me home early I had serious reservations about it.
But with the exception of the car ride home,it has been the most perfect thing.
I can not even begin to describe the inghtmare-ish ride home however which was so unbearable that I legit have a phobia about even getting back into the car. It was during rush hour of course so the hour long drive took nearly 2. We hit every pothole and my tightly closed eyes leaked tears in spite of my best efforts to control them. I spoke not a word (which as you can imagaine REALLY worried Donnie)but could not stop the moans ans gasps for breath. It was torture pure and simple and when we finally arrived home I looked so horrific that I nearly scared the kids half to death.
The children have overall been amazing. It certainly has not been a fun week for them. But they are eager to be of help and jus lsitening to them tell me about their day is soothing.
I can now be up and about for just over an hour, before I have to sit. I take slow walks around the yard either in Don's company or with one of the kids. It is so comforting to walk about the yard and waych the animals or see the plants grow.
Joe and a couple of neighbor boys are updating the tree fort. Corey and Julie have had old friends over who are perfectly comfortable seeing me in my jammies.
It has been a very difficult week. But we are all here together and each day is a little less painful.
I still cannot eat much but darn it I have not lost any real weight. Doesnt it just figure.
I am sleeping ok although I come to and like a turtle on its back, need help to roll over. Don instantly has his arm under my neck, almost before he fully wakes up.
4 days ago I was so incapacited. Tke skill of a good surgeon has given me my life back.
Right now, reading or computering, or deep focus is very difficult but if they all can be patient waiting for me to recover, the least Ican do is be patient as well.

Day 5 Camping 2010

Well the going home day never counts anyway as we are up and at'em by eight a.m. We left the campground by ten and headed into town so children could spend their very last cent. I bought Donnie a little musical instrument made out of a coconut from Nepal.Then I saw an interesting Civil War book so I got him that too.
Traffic was heavy but not too unbearable. We stopped at Mickey D's for lunch and still made it home by 4:30. Now it is the rush to unpack so everything is done before the surgery.
You would think I could just focus on that tonight and tomorrow but NO. Both Nikki and Jamie start a summer school program to help them with their MCAS scores. Naturally the programs start tomorrow and both have angst over it.
The big worry for me is poor Don came down with a very unusual looking rash that I noticed on him yesterday but he thinks he may have had it the night before. He is very allergic to poison ivy and the like and perhaps it is just that but amped up.....so we have a call into the on call Doctor and feel like tonight is in limbo.
He is loath to spend the night in the ER (and the money.) I am loath to let an infection crawl through him for a few days. Neither one of us are certain he should wait until he can get in to see the doctor in the morning. Besides what if they cannot fit him in early enough? Then he would wait until after surgery and all which means not until Wed. What if I have complications and he gets distracted and doesn't treat it?
Once he waited too long and we ended up in the ER at midnight while he got an IV antibiotic for poison sumac......
Sigh I do not normally mind the hustle and bustle around here. But every once in a while it would be nice to focus on just one thing at a time.
So all the animals have checked out fine. I am gonna get a Shaws run in and see.....oh doctors office called. They said put an antifunal cream on and come in in the morning...... grrrr I think he should go in tonight. Am I edgy because of my own impending procedure? Am I edgy because it is one of those times when I know I am right? So hard to tell....
Tonight was suppose to be a quiet night just the 2 of us spending quiet time together, a late night meal because I cannot eat or drink anything after midnight, peaceful conversation home in our own comfy bed instead of a tent where every sound is magnified........instead I will fret about him AND me which will aggravate him.....I can see this coming a mile away and am not sure I have the wherewithal to stop it......

Day 4 Camping 2010

Today began very early for me when at about 2AM I needed to go to the bathroom immediately! Ladies,ahem, you understand.
All was quiet and dark at the campground and of course I am afraid of the dark. Tossing Don his pants as he sat blearily up I began a frantic whispering conversation while I dressed as quickly as I could.
As I pulled up the tent zipper it occured to me that my conversation had been more of a soliloquy. Turning back towards Donnie I beheld quite a sight. Don was flat on his back, clutching his pants to his chest, and gently snoring.
Scared as I was of the dark I just did not have the heart to wake him up. Making matters more challenging for me, my trusty flashlight lay just our of reach next to his shoulder.
So into the dark I plunged....heading for the bathroom. I was so frightened of who knows what that I started to cry, so silly I know.
Anyway back to bed I did have to wake him as there is no way to quietly climb over a sleeping man who is still cradling his drawers. He barely came to.
Few hours later the morning began for everyone else. Don, Julie, and Joe headed off to kayak. Tim headed to an early Mass and then explored the Mount Washington Weather Museum.
I could not induce a single reamining teen to river walk with me. My brother gamely volunteered but walking up stream with his balance issuesis really too difficult.
I read for a while and kept wishing someone would walk with me. Upon reflection it occured to me that I wanted company so I would not feel self conscious walking along, especially as both beaches were packed on this hot day.
I think selfconsciousness like this is really more an ego problem than a shy problem. Why would I think any of those people would even care to watch me. So I got over myself and had a lovely and invigrating walk.
I am not really a fan of alone time. But I collected a bunch of cheerful memories to share once I got back......
We eventaully ended up all at beach 2 to jump cliffs and play in the current. Even Tim took a dive off the cliff to prove to himself that he could do it. Then a dinner cooked over the fire and Don and I squeezed in a walk along the river (not in it!) and had a chance to speak about some of our concerns over the upcoming surgery.
I have had some things that I really wanted to go over Don about the surgery but he has skillfully avoided any real conversation. It was hard but good to have the conversation there along the sand dunes of the Saco. We even saw a mamma duck bring her little down covered babies into the water for the first time!
Now it is evening. I am not at the firewokrs since I cannot look up to see them and laying on the hard ground is also not an option for me. This is not a terrible loss for me as I hate fireworks anyway. But I miss being there with Don. Originally Joe was going with him as he loves the display. But he decided to spend his last night playing at the camp and now he and Julie and Corey are engaged in a heated pokemon discussion. Yon is tedning the fire and I am waiting to for the fireworks folks to return and tell me of their adventures.
Tomorrow none of us will really be able to enjoy our last morning here as Don becomes relentless on going home day. No matter where we are on the last day of any visit he is comsummed with packing and getting on the road.
It use to drive me crazy. I always want to stay until the very last moment to get my full money's worth.
But I have learned over the years to just let it go. He needs to be packed and gone and it will only stress him if I do not jump to his bidding. Give and take give and take. He really would have gotten up with me this morning without complaint if I had poked him back awake.
I am afraid of the dark, he is the pack up and get out of here nazi at vacations end. We rub along......

Day 3 camping 2010

Today was a divide and conquer day. Don took some folks off hiking. Since my injury makes a real hike verboten, I stayed behind with a couple of folks and did camp stuff.
First Julie and I did a river walk. We started knee deep at beach 2 and walked all the way to beach 1. This is a tricky walk between the changing river bed, first very gravelly and eventually an almost quick sand like bottom, and the very swift current.
We choose of course the more challenging direction by walking against the current. The reward is normally to then float back down with the current on a couple of inner tubes. Once again however my injury prevents me from tubing it.
This doe snot make the walk any less fun however. From the river bed the hay field follows the river on the left. The field itself is a good 20 feet from the water, perfect for leaping off of (which the kids did later). The campground is to the right of the river but overgrown trees and grasses hide it from view, to the point where you could feel very bold and adventure-ess. What you will not feel however is alone.The Saco is like route 58 except it is not cars and trucks but canoes and kayaks.There are always people on the river and sometimes you feel like you are in the middle of a frogger video game trying to cross the road without getting hit!
Corey and Donnie are very impressed by the number of people who tow along coolers beside their water conveyances.
After our water hike which even include impressive views of the peaks we dozed at the campground until lunch. Now we have been hearing wild things about the new Double Down offered at Kentucky Fried and guess what fastfood joint is in walking distance of the camp? You are correct!
What could be better than 2 slabs of fried chicken sandwhich-ing bacon and cheese? I could not even finish mine and it did not really live up to the hype. But vacation should be about trying new things and now we can check the double down off our list.
When the others returned we headed to beach 1 where an intersting exchange took place. The kids were eager to swing from the rope swing which is located across the river off camp property, which means a few local kiddoes also play there.
There was a group of young high school boys there and two older townie boys. The language coming from that side of the river was very blue so once my girls headed over there to jump I asked the boys my 'parenting voice' to please watch their language as there were families present.
The younger boys sort of jumped when they heard me and quickly nodded or apologised and no more bad language was heard from them. The 2 older boys however were enraged. One chicken ducked behind a tree and muttered about me all trash talking safely behind his tree. I ignored that but when the other boy again began tossing the F-word around like rose petals I spoke to him directly in a voice that has made wiser men straighten up in a hurry.
Never let it be said that these 2 boys were wise. Chicken shit hid back behind the tree (I am not agaisnt invective but there is a time and a place) but bold boy began back talking about his rights in a free country.
I told him to use his imagineation and add a few new words to his vocab. He became more verbally agressive and another mother joined the fray. He really spoke rudely to her and I thought her husband was going to go over and hit the boy.
The younger boys left for beach 2 and my own kids left the rope swing as the whole thing was uncomfortable for them. We too decided to head for beach 2 and the jumping cliffs. As we were leaving however and I stopped to thank the other mother another dad had enough and told thebobys to leave so his kids could swing from the rope. A few more choice words were exhchanged, cops were called, boys disappeared.
What I could not get over was the fact that out of a beach full of adults no one thought it their place to speak to rude children until I did. The beach was full of real little kids and those rude boys were very loud. I wonder why people put up with unacceptable behavior?
Anyway beach 2 was much more fun. Sure enough the younger boys were at the jumping place and my girls had a ball leaping with them. Eventually in that innocent flirty way of young teens, insults (clean) were tossed about and slowly it evolved into a clay mud fight, jump off the cliff, free for all.
As they sp/ashed and threw mud their climbing out place got slicker and slicker and soon kids were tumbling not leaping from the cliffs. As at beach 1, no adult interferred although mothers of the girls watched closely.
But here was a group of clearly loud good kids being silly. No one was creepy or rude or hiding behind a tree and the language was goofy and appropriate.
As a matter of fact at one point Joe swam over to join in and a kid noticing his short stature said "keep it g -rated there is a kid here." When Joe, much insulted declared himself to be 13 the other boy laughed and said"'ok let the games begin" and cheerfully lobbed a clod of mud at him.
Anyway the kids had great clean fun although the sticky mud did not really come off until they showered. Now we sit by the fire, dinner finished, resting for the night.
Soon it will be dark and Donnie will pull out the cards for a viscious game of Hearts....I can never remember the rules and so I expect to be thoroughly tromped. (or is it trumped?)
ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh............

2nd Day of Camping 2010

Our second day of camping began early for the Banner's breakfast eaters. Those of you not familiar with route 16 in Conway may not be aware that there is an awesome breakfast place across the street for the campground...Banners. Years ago when we had babies on our camping trips, Don would make an early morning sojourn to Banners with the first early bird baby awake. Quietly slipping out of the tent he would pop a baby into the baby back pack and off they would go for breakfast, while the rest of us slumbered. I think I have only been invited once- when we had a couple of toddler dawn risers and Don would not let me get away with sleeping late while he struggled to keep track of babies eager to run in opposite directions.
As the kids have gotten older he will make the trek with any child willing to pay for themselves. Tim and Jamie are most often his morning companions since they are both early risers and children with money to spend. But on any given year he has had different breakfast companions.
I am not even sure how many times he goes, probably twice in the week. But the kids love it and talk about it all year.
So the early risers went to Banners this year and the rest of us were ready to go around ten. We headed to the Swift River lower falls off the Kangamangous for our annual white water river swim.
We normally walk along the road for a stretch to get down to the little sand bar. I always hung out at the sand bar and quieter water with little ones while the 'big kids' would boldly go with Don to jump off the giant rock and then body surf the small falls and rapids.
Now of course everyone is a big kid but tradition reigns supreme on these trips to the White Mountains so we once again headed for the sand bar. The children did not even wait for their father so eager were they to head for the rough water.
I of course ignored them completely as I set about to pan for gold. I own two panning pans and Joe used my second for about 5 minutes before the lure of the slippier rocks proved to strong for him to resist.
But never fear that second pan got plenty of use as my endeavors attracted plenty of little kids eager to ask questions and help me find gold. Parents tried to keep them back but lets face it, the quest for gold is hard to ignore and soon parents were asking as many questions as the kids. I received lots of advice too since people are always more than willing to offer their opinions on any possible topic.
Eventually I had some quiet time all to myself to happily pan. The Swift is bitter cold, but the sun was shining and the rock I was half perched on proved a manageable seat. Even my aching back cooperated and I have a small vial of gold bits to start my fortune off.
The panning itself is one of those things that gets easier with practice and I will definitely continue to try my luck. We ended our Swift river adventure having a picnic on some large boulders in the river and then headed to town to shop at Zebs, and the 5 and Dime and Adamamas African Emporium.
Adama, in this country 0ver 30 years, regularly makes trips back to Nigeria to purchase arts and crafts from her former countryman. She remembered Julie when we first walked in and then as we talked she recalled our large family.
I bought a lovely weaved basket which she told us a story about since she knew the basket maker. The girls picked up more incense and beads and stories from Adama and then everyone headed back to the campground, treasures in hand.
That evening Don and I went out on our annual White Mountain date, dinner and a movie. These silly small traditions mean more than ever with the kids growing so fast and everything seeming to change so quickly.
I miss my parents of course, Eastern Slope was their annual camping place after all. Mary and Matt too are missed.
But the little routines: walks around the campground, rope swing at beach 1 and cliff jumping off beach 2, junk food and ice cream from the camp store, quarters for the game room, s'mores, guitars by the fire....all those little moments that make the camp out.
This year we will not have a flood story to tell but some exciting moment will mark 2010 camping, some story to be repeated fondly over and over.

1st day of camping 2010

10 of us headed out in two vehicles, off for the wilds of New Hampshire. Ok not exactly wild wilds. I am after all typing this blog while sitting next to the fire. When I am about to post I will walk around the campsite until I can catch the wireless hotspot and I shall then be able to post online. ‘Primitive conditions’ as you are aware is a relative term.
Until we woke up this morning and loaded the bikes onto the van and station wagon, I am not quite sure the kids really believed we would even be going this year.
Don’s job prospects or lack there of combined with my increasingly disconcerting health issues threatened our much anticipated much loved camping trip to EasternSlope Camping Area, Conway N. H.
This is my 38th summer here. 4 of the kids have been here in-utero, as well as- as infants, toddlers, etc. This year one of the lucky kids even got to bring a friend!
We may have even lucked out weather-wise. My very first trip here was in a driving rain that turned the Saco into a flooding tempestuous river that covered the campground under 24 feet of water.
Last year’s constricted finances necessitated only a five day stay with no plans to adventure off campground. It, as you may not recall, proceeded to rain sideways all five days. The kids showed remarkable restraint in forgoing killing one another and as a matter of fact look upon that venture with some amused affection. This does not mean however that they are not VERY VERY happy for fairer weather this season.
The drive up was a study in seat hopping as my back allowed me minimal upright time. The rest was spent lying on the first bench surrounded by various camping gear. This meant for a period of time Corey controlled the music (whoever sits in the passenger seat picks the tunes.) We listened to loud unedited versions of mostly uninteresting songs.
When Don finally decided he got to pick the music, 3 of our songs came on in a row and we happily held hands and reminisced.
Setting up camp is always a temper testing ordeal and this year was no exception. Everyone expects Donnie to either do everything himself while they go off and play or stop and immediately help THEM with anything they are doing. To add to the stress our double sites (they wont allow our big family on one site!) are actually camp streets apart not next to one another.
But everything is up, supper is done, campfire is snap crackling away and quarters are quickly being eaten up in the rec hall.
My back is….meh….not too bad. I finish the last of the antibiotics tomorrow and hopefully over the next day or two coughing and scratchy throat will subside and surgery will be a go on the day after we come home. I will try to blog our adventures each day if I can catch a wifi signal long enough to post. Tomorrow we are off to the Swift river and I am going to pan for gold!