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Monday, January 31, 2011
Sunday, January 30, 2011
Patience may be a virtue, but there are limits
Most adults are aware of both their virtues and their flaws. Some of us of course try to make our flaws sound like virtues but we are not fooling anybody. Some of us even strive to improve upon our virtues and minimize our shortcomings with varying degrees of success.
One of my virtues has always been patience with people, creatures, and unexpected events. Don shares this virtue with me which makes traveling with us for instance a breeze. We plan things out but are able to roll with the punches. So the year the campground was under water? Not a problem to be overcome, merely an adventure to tell around future campfires. The van catches on fire out in Ohio and I have to figure a way to get home with Mary and Nikki and carry cages full of bunnies, while Donnie tries to figure out how to get the vehicle fixed in Ohio and then back home? Not a problem. We had full faith in each other's abilities and a glass half full kind of attitude that allowed us to overcome with patience, love, and a sense of humor.
Well patience, love, and a sense of humor are being severely tested around here in the month of January.
When Jamie nearly totaled his truck the overwhelming feeling was one of relief that he was not hurt and a dogged determination to figure out how to get his vehicle back on the road with limited funds.
This sort of challenge faces the parents of most teens and truly we were lucky it had never happened to Mary, Tim, or Corey (Julie still only has a permit.) The kicker for us of course was that at the exact same time the heat went in my car and the clutch went in Donnie's truck....
I felt I had an abundance of patience for the myriad of challenges surrounding Jamie's experience. The clutch going though called for some inner searching for stores of strength. The no heat in my car during the coldest snowiest month of the year, well that has put me on (kids would say over) the edge.
The thing is over the years we have often been short a car, even down to one. But as the children get older not only are they busier but timing becomes critical. Its OK for a child to miss band practise because the drop off pick up schedule does not quite work out. But when a kid is on varsity their commitment to the team makes it paramount that they be where they need to be when they need to be. Add to the the fact that four of us are in the work force and those start and end times are NOT negotiable, and well the schedule becomes complicated.
You can ask someone for a favor to pick up or drop off one of your kids and people are glad to do it, once or twice. Although everyone else feels like they have tight schedules people for the most part are sympathetic especially when it comes to car trouble.
But our schedule is truly only comprehended if you're in air traffic control landing plans, or the design of bus and train scheduling......Its an ever widening intersecting confusing entanglement of timing /placing and it relies on people carefully writing their schedule down....
Guess what virtue teenagers have yet to develop? You got it, they are as a species incapable of writing their schedule down. Guess what other tiny teensy weensy flaw they have? They are shocked that anyone else has a schedule and that theirs is not always THE most important events of the day.
Which brings us to the new little kink in our orderly world. The septic for the first time ever backed up a bit into the cellar (and oddly enough the shower!) This happened Saturday morning. So far no call back from our regular septic guy. (We can get away with an every other year pump but we did do the last 2 years in a row with all the spring rain we have had).
Now I have that back of my mind dread "Why January? Is this more than a simple pump out? How much will this be? Is it something that has to be fixed?"
One of the children who has no problem spending our money and believes brand new is always better cannot comprehend why we do not MAKE some other septic company come out on a Sunday at time and a half and deal with this. But what if it is more serious. Better to pay for a Monday pump out at a regular price and have money available right?
Now imagine a family whose schedule is challenging during the best of times but now made more so by being down 2 vehicles. Add to that the already tight schedule of a family with one bathroom, now down to none?
I can have us wash dishes and ourselves from buckets when I can get other people to lug buckets of water and heave them off the back porch. Of course those people who chuck the used water have to be reminded not to throw it over the side of the porch where the septic tank is dug out an exposed! (Don't even ask who was caught chucking water into the open pit arrrggggggg.)
To add a little spice to the whole affair..... hmmm, how shall I put this delicately? When it is a persons lady time of the month, it becomes critical the need to flush the toilet.....
Am I leaving anything out? Oh yes, the septic which needs to be dug out with its cover exposed for the septic guy, well it is located in the back fenced in yard....where the dogs play and do their business. If you were a dog and suddenly right in your play yard a warm muddy hole appeared, how would you view it?
Patience may be a virtue but it is in damn short supply around here.
One of my virtues has always been patience with people, creatures, and unexpected events. Don shares this virtue with me which makes traveling with us for instance a breeze. We plan things out but are able to roll with the punches. So the year the campground was under water? Not a problem to be overcome, merely an adventure to tell around future campfires. The van catches on fire out in Ohio and I have to figure a way to get home with Mary and Nikki and carry cages full of bunnies, while Donnie tries to figure out how to get the vehicle fixed in Ohio and then back home? Not a problem. We had full faith in each other's abilities and a glass half full kind of attitude that allowed us to overcome with patience, love, and a sense of humor.
Well patience, love, and a sense of humor are being severely tested around here in the month of January.
When Jamie nearly totaled his truck the overwhelming feeling was one of relief that he was not hurt and a dogged determination to figure out how to get his vehicle back on the road with limited funds.
This sort of challenge faces the parents of most teens and truly we were lucky it had never happened to Mary, Tim, or Corey (Julie still only has a permit.) The kicker for us of course was that at the exact same time the heat went in my car and the clutch went in Donnie's truck....
I felt I had an abundance of patience for the myriad of challenges surrounding Jamie's experience. The clutch going though called for some inner searching for stores of strength. The no heat in my car during the coldest snowiest month of the year, well that has put me on (kids would say over) the edge.
The thing is over the years we have often been short a car, even down to one. But as the children get older not only are they busier but timing becomes critical. Its OK for a child to miss band practise because the drop off pick up schedule does not quite work out. But when a kid is on varsity their commitment to the team makes it paramount that they be where they need to be when they need to be. Add to the the fact that four of us are in the work force and those start and end times are NOT negotiable, and well the schedule becomes complicated.
You can ask someone for a favor to pick up or drop off one of your kids and people are glad to do it, once or twice. Although everyone else feels like they have tight schedules people for the most part are sympathetic especially when it comes to car trouble.
But our schedule is truly only comprehended if you're in air traffic control landing plans, or the design of bus and train scheduling......Its an ever widening intersecting confusing entanglement of timing /placing and it relies on people carefully writing their schedule down....
Guess what virtue teenagers have yet to develop? You got it, they are as a species incapable of writing their schedule down. Guess what other tiny teensy weensy flaw they have? They are shocked that anyone else has a schedule and that theirs is not always THE most important events of the day.
Which brings us to the new little kink in our orderly world. The septic for the first time ever backed up a bit into the cellar (and oddly enough the shower!) This happened Saturday morning. So far no call back from our regular septic guy. (We can get away with an every other year pump but we did do the last 2 years in a row with all the spring rain we have had).
Now I have that back of my mind dread "Why January? Is this more than a simple pump out? How much will this be? Is it something that has to be fixed?"
One of the children who has no problem spending our money and believes brand new is always better cannot comprehend why we do not MAKE some other septic company come out on a Sunday at time and a half and deal with this. But what if it is more serious. Better to pay for a Monday pump out at a regular price and have money available right?
Now imagine a family whose schedule is challenging during the best of times but now made more so by being down 2 vehicles. Add to that the already tight schedule of a family with one bathroom, now down to none?
I can have us wash dishes and ourselves from buckets when I can get other people to lug buckets of water and heave them off the back porch. Of course those people who chuck the used water have to be reminded not to throw it over the side of the porch where the septic tank is dug out an exposed! (Don't even ask who was caught chucking water into the open pit arrrggggggg.)
To add a little spice to the whole affair..... hmmm, how shall I put this delicately? When it is a persons lady time of the month, it becomes critical the need to flush the toilet.....
Am I leaving anything out? Oh yes, the septic which needs to be dug out with its cover exposed for the septic guy, well it is located in the back fenced in yard....where the dogs play and do their business. If you were a dog and suddenly right in your play yard a warm muddy hole appeared, how would you view it?
Patience may be a virtue but it is in damn short supply around here.
Saturday, January 29, 2011
Preparing the way
Almost five years ago Joe ordered his first set of baby chickens from Murray McMurray. He had done a good job caring for his grain store flock of 6 and it was time to go take that next step of the mail order package of baby chicks, 25 plus a free exotic chick!
Since then he has built two chicken coops, participated in chicken club through 4H and become a learned poultryman. he made the tough call this past Fall to send most of his aging flock of hens off to the auction where of course they become someones dinner. (He kept five plus one who escaped the trip to the auction, among those spared of course was Margo the exotic chick!)
Chickens raised for egg production generally move on after the first laying season. A few hens scratching about the backyard lay up until they are about 6 years old, but never as productively as that first season. Joe of course as a 4Her is someone in the middle. True he is raising them in part to learn the 'business' of farming. On the other hand chickens can become your friends. So its a difficult balance.
How long should livestock remain? It can be a tough call. We originally started raising meat rabbits for instance. But bunnies (like chickens raised for meat) are harvested at 8 weeks of age. Let me tell you there is nothing on earth, nothing as cute as an eight week old bunny.
Although we are meat eaters and rabbit does indeed taste like chicken, we decided showing bunnies and studying color genetics was more our calling, rather than harvesting rabbit meat. But I have friends who are tops in showing who breed for champions and think nothing of culling their rabbits for the dinner table, or for the raptor rescue center. They feel this is more humane than 'petting' out non showable rabbits to homes where they cannot be certain the rabbit will be well treated.
Of course there are plenty of animal rights groups who believe rabbits, chickens, dogs, and cats for that matter should never be pets, everything should be spayed or neutered and no breeder should be allowed to breed......
I don't know, maybe it is my Irish Farmer genes. But there is something very soothing and right about the chores of animal husbandry, the excitement of births and sadness of deaths. The circle of life...chickens eating pests in the garden. Their manure buried in the ground for a while to age then spread out in the garden. The crops growing and weeds being fed to the buns and chickens, and on and on the circle goes.
We received in the mail a little incubator from Murray McMurray. In it we are going to try to hatch 2 duck eggs. Ducks are great for keeping the tick population down and nothing is cuter than a couple of ducks paddling about in a child's wading pool!
We dig out a sturdy box and decide what kind of first feed to give our baby chicks. Everything has to be in place, little waterers, a warm light, scratch and shavings to keep the animals clean and dry. We choose a medicated feed for our baby chicks, the only time our animals are on a medicated feed. We are organic here (especially since our well is directly under our garden). But the first weeks of a chicks life are critical and baby birds are a fragile lot.
Our babies will be born on February 13th and then shipped from Iowa to our post office. They will arrive probably the 15th or 16th but we will need to be ready earlier just in case. Its very exciting preparing the way.
Of course we still talk about a baby goat and a baby sheep...hmmmm think yummy chocolate goats milk and goat and sheep cheeses.....but finances remain tight until Donnie gets back in the workforce. I would love to try beekeeping as well but we could not possibly get a hive until Jamie is out on his own. (bee allergy worthy of an Epi pen.) But I day dream about making my own honey and watching my own bees pollinate my garden of yummy fruits and veggies grown from our seed in loam made from our animals.
But as always I am ahead of myself. Right now we are rereading all our baby chick info and preparing for our arrivals.......
Since then he has built two chicken coops, participated in chicken club through 4H and become a learned poultryman. he made the tough call this past Fall to send most of his aging flock of hens off to the auction where of course they become someones dinner. (He kept five plus one who escaped the trip to the auction, among those spared of course was Margo the exotic chick!)
Chickens raised for egg production generally move on after the first laying season. A few hens scratching about the backyard lay up until they are about 6 years old, but never as productively as that first season. Joe of course as a 4Her is someone in the middle. True he is raising them in part to learn the 'business' of farming. On the other hand chickens can become your friends. So its a difficult balance.
How long should livestock remain? It can be a tough call. We originally started raising meat rabbits for instance. But bunnies (like chickens raised for meat) are harvested at 8 weeks of age. Let me tell you there is nothing on earth, nothing as cute as an eight week old bunny.
Although we are meat eaters and rabbit does indeed taste like chicken, we decided showing bunnies and studying color genetics was more our calling, rather than harvesting rabbit meat. But I have friends who are tops in showing who breed for champions and think nothing of culling their rabbits for the dinner table, or for the raptor rescue center. They feel this is more humane than 'petting' out non showable rabbits to homes where they cannot be certain the rabbit will be well treated.
Of course there are plenty of animal rights groups who believe rabbits, chickens, dogs, and cats for that matter should never be pets, everything should be spayed or neutered and no breeder should be allowed to breed......
I don't know, maybe it is my Irish Farmer genes. But there is something very soothing and right about the chores of animal husbandry, the excitement of births and sadness of deaths. The circle of life...chickens eating pests in the garden. Their manure buried in the ground for a while to age then spread out in the garden. The crops growing and weeds being fed to the buns and chickens, and on and on the circle goes.
We received in the mail a little incubator from Murray McMurray. In it we are going to try to hatch 2 duck eggs. Ducks are great for keeping the tick population down and nothing is cuter than a couple of ducks paddling about in a child's wading pool!
We dig out a sturdy box and decide what kind of first feed to give our baby chicks. Everything has to be in place, little waterers, a warm light, scratch and shavings to keep the animals clean and dry. We choose a medicated feed for our baby chicks, the only time our animals are on a medicated feed. We are organic here (especially since our well is directly under our garden). But the first weeks of a chicks life are critical and baby birds are a fragile lot.
Our babies will be born on February 13th and then shipped from Iowa to our post office. They will arrive probably the 15th or 16th but we will need to be ready earlier just in case. Its very exciting preparing the way.
Of course we still talk about a baby goat and a baby sheep...hmmmm think yummy chocolate goats milk and goat and sheep cheeses.....but finances remain tight until Donnie gets back in the workforce. I would love to try beekeeping as well but we could not possibly get a hive until Jamie is out on his own. (bee allergy worthy of an Epi pen.) But I day dream about making my own honey and watching my own bees pollinate my garden of yummy fruits and veggies grown from our seed in loam made from our animals.
But as always I am ahead of myself. Right now we are rereading all our baby chick info and preparing for our arrivals.......
Tuesday, January 25, 2011
Sunday, January 23, 2011
When the cold wind blows
Some people have asked me if it bothers me that I have cadaver bones, from some poor soul, inside me. To be honest I almost never think of it and when I do I usually say a quick prayer of thanks to the person and their family for so kindly donating.
But for whatever reason the thought of metal plates and screws, well that just seems a bit creepy. I mean bones (even someone else's) are meant to be inside you, but screws -like I find everywhere in Don's shed- well it is unnatural!
A couple of months ago I searched online for hardware pictures to look at the equipment they used for my operation. One that really blew me away was the clamp they drilled into my skull, near my temple, to keep my spine immobile. When I came out of the surgery the sorest part of my body was not my neck, it was these two tiny spots on my head that were bruised. "Don" I remarked" it is like they drilled a tiny hole on each side of my skull." Well in effect, they did!
They also used a drill and grinder to enlarge the holes in my spine, on the right side, where the nerves travel from spine to limb. For whatever reason the holes on the right side of my spine are smaller than the holes on the left. Add to that arthritis( little bony spurs growing where they shouldn't) and you have all the makings of the disaster that did indeed occur. That is, when the discs ruptured disc debris plugged up the too small holes, damaging the nerves and eventually the muscles in my shoulder and arm, and of course bringing with it that tremendous and unremitting pain.
So odd or not, creepy or not, I am TOTALLY GRATEFUL that the procedure went as well as it did because that pain was unspeakable!
But now it is the frigid month of January and an interesting phenomena is an end result of that life saving surgery. When I step out of doors and the cold wind blows, I can feel the metal plates in my neck. This is not my imagination, quite frankly I do not particularly give it a thought as I rush out the door on this and that errand. But when the biting air hits I am suddenly and uncomfortably aware of a cold vibratey sensation about an inch long, inside my neck, from the front.
The PT told me to wear a scarf and I try to remember it. The first few times it happened the neck muscles all around it stiffened and we are trying to relax them!
The tight muscles around my neck and upper back/ shoulder area are a lingering effect of the injury and surgery. Now tight muscles are nothing in the scheme of things and over time there has been a noticeable improvement.
I am curious tho, come the hot months of summer, will the metal heat up if I am lazing in the sun trying to work on my tan?
Monday, January 17, 2011
Marriage Encounter
A characteristic of love is "To look at a person, and knowing their faults, recognize the nobility in their soul and their worth before God." How is that for an awesome quote?
For me, I knew the Marriage Encounter would be considered a success one second after I entered our room to discover that Don and I only had to share a bathroom with each other, and not 7 other people. When you have been married 27 years it is sometimes the little things that make all the difference.
Like any other person going on a retreat I had some reservations as well as some expectations. I love the whole retreat process. I greatly enjoy being on a retreat and I equally enjoy being a team person running the retreat. They are different but complementary experiences. I have done retreats as both a teen and an adult and I have gotten to know some very dear people over the years through retreats. But I have friends for instance who are unbelievable retreat leaders but who do not really enjoy the public sharing that occurs while being on a retreat themselves. I also know others who have been profoundly moved attending a retreat but were unable to transition to the role of retreat team, and therefore without meaning to, make a retreat they lead like its 'their' experience. So I tried very hard to let go of any preconceived ideas and be open and available for this retreat experience.
What surprised me the most was how personal and private it was. The Marriage Encounter is truly about you and your partner. There is very little gathering time where you 'share' parts of who you are. No hanging out til late at night playing the guitar, no public revelations that trigger others to reveal. There is no warm up period where the retreat team gets group bonding going. Only twice the entire weekend did the retreat members ask if any one had a sentence to share. Twice and of course not everyone needed to share.!
This is about your sacred bond with your spouse. Couples gather and listen to scripted talks and then the couples return to their room to work on the various topics, exploring emotions and listening to one another.
The previous paragraph of course does not begin to hint at the simple power in this process, but powerful it is.
Marriage Encounter was created in the 50s (and World Wide Marriage Encounter, the current creation was settled upon in the 60s) is for couples who have a good marriage. There is another retreat for couples struggling with real hardship, like that of infidelity, addiciton, true alienation called Retrouvlle.
Let me tell you it was very nice sitting in a room with 20 couples who all like their spouse and are invested in their relationship. Now although this encounter was "Catholic" you did not have to be Catholic to be enriched. There were 2 Masses of course and some of the topics of marriage were described within the Catholic tradition (although thankfully no one actually used the words 'between one man and one woman' which goes up me like a rocket!) For instance in other Christian faiths a marriage is considered like a contract and so that word is used during their Encounters (I have a list of other faiths' Marriage Encounters for anyone who wants it. Like my friend Amanda wondered about a UU Encounter, which they do indeed have!) but as a Catholic we believe that marriage is a covenant. There is a subtle but true difference between contract and covenant and so if your are at a WWME that is Catholic you will hear and begin to understand why we say covenant.
OK, I do not really want to go step by step with the physical parts of the retreat, first we did this then we did that. But call me if you have questions or are considering going on one with your spouse and I would be happy to talk your ear right off.
But I want to mention a couple of things. One the team is 3 happily married real couples, plus a priest. Because Marriage Encounter is for committed couples like a husband and wife and for religious people who are either married (like in the UU faith to a spouse) or who are married to their church.(Like a Catholic priest.)
Let me tell you, while the couples shared deep and powerful messages, the priest was positively eye opening and amazing as he bared his soul over the weekend. Now he was not one of those charismatic priests that we all desperately wish for on Sunday Mass (like church should be stage and screen. We all know it is suppose to be about the Eucharist but we all wish some brilliant actor was delivering the sermon!) Father was instead a soft spoken intellectual who was slightly appalled during his first Encounter when he heard they were to discuss 'feelings' with their spouse! How could feelings possible solve anything he thought in some horror? Throughout the weekend as each couple took a turn sharing their thoughts or experiences on topics like 'joy, disillusionment in a partner, sex, etc) Father shared from his perspective and it truly deepend the experience.
Ok, as for us. Well.... one of the reasons we went was we have been shaken to the core by the number of real marriages, long term ones at that, that have fallen by the wayside. We of course feel we have a great marriage, but so did most of the couples we knew. I began to worry as we argued about some of the same issues over and over (and over and over and over and over) if we were in trouble and I was too naive to see it!
Of course Don managed to say a small hurtful thing that very first night as we headed to bed and then compounded it in the morning when I tried to gently bring it up. We ended up almost being late for Mass Sat a.m. because I flared up when gently asking for the issue to be dealt with was met with..... well come on you have been in relationships you know how this goes. That whole first talk after Mass I could hardly process because I always have such a need to work things out 'immediately'.
Anyway during 'couple time' after that talk we both agreed to deal with the issue and work it out but it left us both shaken. Maybe things were very bad if we could not even do the simple assignment at Marriage Encounter because we had to argue about the same old thing the same old way.
But as the Encounter continued and we worked on the various topics during couple time, getting into the rhythm of the weekend we both slowly began to relax. As various topics were brought up and we shared with each other it became more and more apparent that it was not a host of trouble we were dealing with, it was one simple problem that interfered in a variety of ways in our day.
Not only that but here was a method we were learning to -not deal directly with that problem (because of course every couple is unique in their relationship)- but we were learning one simple technique that put our relationship first and that showed both couples could do it!
It was a true revelation. Here is the other thing. As each topic was discussed and as each 'couple time' occurred we could see the honest and sincere effort being put forth. We both want the same thing although we both certainly have very different skill levels! But we really needed each other to get the hang of the technique (are you intrigued it sounds like am talking about a new sex position or something lol!)
At one point Donnie looked at me and said "I think we are fine?" And he was right. We might be in the middle of a messy marriage but we are in it together, all the way, committed by our Covenant before man and God.
The rest of the weekend was a cakewalk for us. Confidence restored we plunged in whole heartedly to what else we needed to do. Don ended up sharing his guitar after all during Mass and we renewed our wedding vows and helped Father tom renew his vows.
What does it all mean? Think anything changed at home. Well we walked in the door and Don had to go out immediately to do hockey games. That left me to deal with dinner, Nikki at a friends, Joe with a friend over, Julie and Jamie and Yon, I had a fitting for the play, had to grab clothes for Jamie..... lolol still looks the same right? He does one thing, I do ten things!
But my friend although it looked the same on the outside, it is completely renewed on the inside. Neither one of us felt guilty (ok that would be Don feeling guilty what would I have to feel guilty about?) nor sorry for ourselves (that would be me, I mean why should Don feel sorry for himself he has me the lucky duck!) We both did our separate things but we each knew we would shortly be together again to share. And that even when apart we are still bound by that invisible unbreakable string of love. We are committed to each other, all of each other body and soul.
If you have any desire to Marriage Encounter goooooooooo. I like the thought of couple power. I value Donnie's commitment to us and appreciate it. I could tell by the look in his eye that we were on this thought at least, as one!
For me, I knew the Marriage Encounter would be considered a success one second after I entered our room to discover that Don and I only had to share a bathroom with each other, and not 7 other people. When you have been married 27 years it is sometimes the little things that make all the difference.
Like any other person going on a retreat I had some reservations as well as some expectations. I love the whole retreat process. I greatly enjoy being on a retreat and I equally enjoy being a team person running the retreat. They are different but complementary experiences. I have done retreats as both a teen and an adult and I have gotten to know some very dear people over the years through retreats. But I have friends for instance who are unbelievable retreat leaders but who do not really enjoy the public sharing that occurs while being on a retreat themselves. I also know others who have been profoundly moved attending a retreat but were unable to transition to the role of retreat team, and therefore without meaning to, make a retreat they lead like its 'their' experience. So I tried very hard to let go of any preconceived ideas and be open and available for this retreat experience.
What surprised me the most was how personal and private it was. The Marriage Encounter is truly about you and your partner. There is very little gathering time where you 'share' parts of who you are. No hanging out til late at night playing the guitar, no public revelations that trigger others to reveal. There is no warm up period where the retreat team gets group bonding going. Only twice the entire weekend did the retreat members ask if any one had a sentence to share. Twice and of course not everyone needed to share.!
This is about your sacred bond with your spouse. Couples gather and listen to scripted talks and then the couples return to their room to work on the various topics, exploring emotions and listening to one another.
The previous paragraph of course does not begin to hint at the simple power in this process, but powerful it is.
Marriage Encounter was created in the 50s (and World Wide Marriage Encounter, the current creation was settled upon in the 60s) is for couples who have a good marriage. There is another retreat for couples struggling with real hardship, like that of infidelity, addiciton, true alienation called Retrouvlle.
Let me tell you it was very nice sitting in a room with 20 couples who all like their spouse and are invested in their relationship. Now although this encounter was "Catholic" you did not have to be Catholic to be enriched. There were 2 Masses of course and some of the topics of marriage were described within the Catholic tradition (although thankfully no one actually used the words 'between one man and one woman' which goes up me like a rocket!) For instance in other Christian faiths a marriage is considered like a contract and so that word is used during their Encounters (I have a list of other faiths' Marriage Encounters for anyone who wants it. Like my friend Amanda wondered about a UU Encounter, which they do indeed have!) but as a Catholic we believe that marriage is a covenant. There is a subtle but true difference between contract and covenant and so if your are at a WWME that is Catholic you will hear and begin to understand why we say covenant.
OK, I do not really want to go step by step with the physical parts of the retreat, first we did this then we did that. But call me if you have questions or are considering going on one with your spouse and I would be happy to talk your ear right off.
But I want to mention a couple of things. One the team is 3 happily married real couples, plus a priest. Because Marriage Encounter is for committed couples like a husband and wife and for religious people who are either married (like in the UU faith to a spouse) or who are married to their church.(Like a Catholic priest.)
Let me tell you, while the couples shared deep and powerful messages, the priest was positively eye opening and amazing as he bared his soul over the weekend. Now he was not one of those charismatic priests that we all desperately wish for on Sunday Mass (like church should be stage and screen. We all know it is suppose to be about the Eucharist but we all wish some brilliant actor was delivering the sermon!) Father was instead a soft spoken intellectual who was slightly appalled during his first Encounter when he heard they were to discuss 'feelings' with their spouse! How could feelings possible solve anything he thought in some horror? Throughout the weekend as each couple took a turn sharing their thoughts or experiences on topics like 'joy, disillusionment in a partner, sex, etc) Father shared from his perspective and it truly deepend the experience.
Ok, as for us. Well.... one of the reasons we went was we have been shaken to the core by the number of real marriages, long term ones at that, that have fallen by the wayside. We of course feel we have a great marriage, but so did most of the couples we knew. I began to worry as we argued about some of the same issues over and over (and over and over and over and over) if we were in trouble and I was too naive to see it!
Of course Don managed to say a small hurtful thing that very first night as we headed to bed and then compounded it in the morning when I tried to gently bring it up. We ended up almost being late for Mass Sat a.m. because I flared up when gently asking for the issue to be dealt with was met with..... well come on you have been in relationships you know how this goes. That whole first talk after Mass I could hardly process because I always have such a need to work things out 'immediately'.
Anyway during 'couple time' after that talk we both agreed to deal with the issue and work it out but it left us both shaken. Maybe things were very bad if we could not even do the simple assignment at Marriage Encounter because we had to argue about the same old thing the same old way.
But as the Encounter continued and we worked on the various topics during couple time, getting into the rhythm of the weekend we both slowly began to relax. As various topics were brought up and we shared with each other it became more and more apparent that it was not a host of trouble we were dealing with, it was one simple problem that interfered in a variety of ways in our day.
Not only that but here was a method we were learning to -not deal directly with that problem (because of course every couple is unique in their relationship)- but we were learning one simple technique that put our relationship first and that showed both couples could do it!
It was a true revelation. Here is the other thing. As each topic was discussed and as each 'couple time' occurred we could see the honest and sincere effort being put forth. We both want the same thing although we both certainly have very different skill levels! But we really needed each other to get the hang of the technique (are you intrigued it sounds like am talking about a new sex position or something lol!)
At one point Donnie looked at me and said "I think we are fine?" And he was right. We might be in the middle of a messy marriage but we are in it together, all the way, committed by our Covenant before man and God.
The rest of the weekend was a cakewalk for us. Confidence restored we plunged in whole heartedly to what else we needed to do. Don ended up sharing his guitar after all during Mass and we renewed our wedding vows and helped Father tom renew his vows.
What does it all mean? Think anything changed at home. Well we walked in the door and Don had to go out immediately to do hockey games. That left me to deal with dinner, Nikki at a friends, Joe with a friend over, Julie and Jamie and Yon, I had a fitting for the play, had to grab clothes for Jamie..... lolol still looks the same right? He does one thing, I do ten things!
But my friend although it looked the same on the outside, it is completely renewed on the inside. Neither one of us felt guilty (ok that would be Don feeling guilty what would I have to feel guilty about?) nor sorry for ourselves (that would be me, I mean why should Don feel sorry for himself he has me the lucky duck!) We both did our separate things but we each knew we would shortly be together again to share. And that even when apart we are still bound by that invisible unbreakable string of love. We are committed to each other, all of each other body and soul.
If you have any desire to Marriage Encounter goooooooooo. I like the thought of couple power. I value Donnie's commitment to us and appreciate it. I could tell by the look in his eye that we were on this thought at least, as one!
Friday, January 14, 2011
Couple time
As part of our New Year's resolution Don and I signed up for a World Wide Marriage Encounter. Now I am not so certain about the 'world wide' part but 17 other couples plus a priest and 3 lead couples are joining us at the retreat center in Duxbury.
50 dollars secures us a spot and they ask that we bring snacks and drinks to share. At the end of the weekend an envelope will be passed around and each couple can give what they feel they can afford.
We have talked about going off an on for years. We both enjoy retreats and really how can you go wrong with one so close by, with the affordability, and with the chance to spend time devoted to us?
I shall have to let you know how the experience is. Of course it has already started out like every one of our getaways. For starters, We have had to spend hours as if we were air traffic controllers trying to figure out everyone's take off and landing schedules. Of course being down to 2 cars has made that task even more complex.
Then as so often the case around here, as Don was reaching for a couple of towels to bring with us he realized that a pipe was leaking over the dryer. That took 2 hours, a blow torch, and a few choice curse words to take care of. I am sure I am suppose to think 'at least it happened BEFORE we left, unlike last time.' My ACTUAL thoughts about the situation are better off left unsaid...
So now we are busy getting people where they need to be, straightening the house, assigning weekend duties, and all the myriad of things that need to be done before we can go. Thankfully it is a whole weekend event because it will take a day just to rest from all the work of getting there.
I shall keep you all in my prayers and please do me a favor. There is no need to pray for Don and I as we will be fine. But if you could put in a good word for the god of plumbing and home repair THAT would truly be appreciated!
50 dollars secures us a spot and they ask that we bring snacks and drinks to share. At the end of the weekend an envelope will be passed around and each couple can give what they feel they can afford.
We have talked about going off an on for years. We both enjoy retreats and really how can you go wrong with one so close by, with the affordability, and with the chance to spend time devoted to us?
I shall have to let you know how the experience is. Of course it has already started out like every one of our getaways. For starters, We have had to spend hours as if we were air traffic controllers trying to figure out everyone's take off and landing schedules. Of course being down to 2 cars has made that task even more complex.
Then as so often the case around here, as Don was reaching for a couple of towels to bring with us he realized that a pipe was leaking over the dryer. That took 2 hours, a blow torch, and a few choice curse words to take care of. I am sure I am suppose to think 'at least it happened BEFORE we left, unlike last time.' My ACTUAL thoughts about the situation are better off left unsaid...
So now we are busy getting people where they need to be, straightening the house, assigning weekend duties, and all the myriad of things that need to be done before we can go. Thankfully it is a whole weekend event because it will take a day just to rest from all the work of getting there.
I shall keep you all in my prayers and please do me a favor. There is no need to pray for Don and I as we will be fine. But if you could put in a good word for the god of plumbing and home repair THAT would truly be appreciated!
Wednesday, January 12, 2011
Snow play
I have very few restrictions left from my injury and subsequent neck surgery. The scar is becoming less noticeable and my every day life goes on as if nothing ever happened.
One restriction makes senses I suppose. No sledding for about 9 months. Much as I love to go coasting with the kids that is a pretty easy thing for me to avoid until next snow season. also, no bike riding until I can turn my head quickly and easily to the right. That too is simple enough to wait for. After all it is freezing out now! But my neck turns absolutely normally to the left and almost completely easily to the right now so its only a matter of time.
The final warning is "DON'T FALL". Well I broke that rule today.
As the wind and snow whipped up in the blizzard during the early morning hours, about 5 large pine branches came crashing down in the same area of our back yard. 2 landed in the fenced area where the dogs play. One crashed right onto the back porch but did not damage anything. The last one has caused some damage to a roof that connects the old bunny barn to the new.
So we are lucky that the cleanup will cost very little. But all those noisy branches crashing down spooked our 11 year old Beardie. Going both blind and deaf she prefers her normal routine, but the pine boughs have disrupted her typical walking routes and she has been refusing to go out the back door.
By late afternoon I finally decided to coax her out the front door with a promise of a walk. We very rarely walk her because of the ever growing tumor on her neck, near her thyroid. Although it is benign, its girth and position make putting a collar on her seem cruel. So she happily spends her day following the sunspots in the living room or wandering collarless and leashless out in the back yard.
But I gingerly put on her collar and we headed out the front door. Winter for a Beardie is normally an adventure. Beardies bounce and skim over the snow, bury themselves gleefully in it, bark at shovels full, and prance and preen snapping at falling flakes. To top it off their rug like double coat keeps both water and cold from chilling them. Beardies can hang out for hours in the snow fort, can roll about making doggy snow angels, and can help undo all your careful walkway shoveling in a simple snowy afternoon.
But this year there was no bounding about when Lily met the snow. She dutifully did her business and with some hesitation walked next to me in the blizzard. But there was no tugging ahead on the leash, no independent exploration, and saddest of all no beardie bounce. It was like she was willing to be with me because she loves me and she thinks its her job to stay close by. But there was no joy in it.
We walked up the road, something she always loved to do because there are new dogs and cats up the street to sniff out and wonder about. But she payed no attention to the different animals or different tracks in the snow. She simply paced slowly next to me. When I stopped to praise or pat her she wagged her tail in friendly acknowledgement but I could not coax her to romp. Finally I turned around to head back back because clearly this was no pleasure for her. as i turned however my boots skidded on the icy layer under the snow and I fell forward. As I did so all I could think of was to relax my shoulders and let my knees take the brunt. I remained frozen on my knees for a moment to make sure my neck indeed was fine. Lil turned to me and blearily looked at me through her milky eyes. "I'm fine. Just give me a minute. The neck is fine." I hastily assured Donnie who saw me slip but could not grab me in time.
Lily then stepped forward and gave me one of her very rare beardie licks. (I don't know if this is true of the breed in general but neither of our beardies have ever been lickers.)
Anyway I was fine but decided to bring lily in.As we strolled by one of the neighbors joked that Lily should become like the snowbirds and fly south for the winter.
I finally returned her to the house which she gratefully went in without a backwards glance. In her younger days she would have done anything to remain outside with me.
But then Bambam and Cookie came out for their turn and joyfully jogged and slogged around the side yard with me. (Don would not allow me to go back out onto the road although my fall really was fine.) So the younger dogs and I played tag and doggy snow angels out in the side yard. I got my workout in and had a grand time with them.
Bambam has always loved snow and Cookie plunges into it with all the enthusiasm of the puppy that she still is. Her red coat against the white of the snow is breathtaking and we had a grand time chasing each other and rolling (gently) about.
Lily endured a towel drying off by Julie and then went off to sleep not even interested when we 3 came in all wet and panting from our play.
It was a nice day and I do so love a good snowstorm. A little poignant though, about my Lily.
One restriction makes senses I suppose. No sledding for about 9 months. Much as I love to go coasting with the kids that is a pretty easy thing for me to avoid until next snow season. also, no bike riding until I can turn my head quickly and easily to the right. That too is simple enough to wait for. After all it is freezing out now! But my neck turns absolutely normally to the left and almost completely easily to the right now so its only a matter of time.
The final warning is "DON'T FALL". Well I broke that rule today.
As the wind and snow whipped up in the blizzard during the early morning hours, about 5 large pine branches came crashing down in the same area of our back yard. 2 landed in the fenced area where the dogs play. One crashed right onto the back porch but did not damage anything. The last one has caused some damage to a roof that connects the old bunny barn to the new.
So we are lucky that the cleanup will cost very little. But all those noisy branches crashing down spooked our 11 year old Beardie. Going both blind and deaf she prefers her normal routine, but the pine boughs have disrupted her typical walking routes and she has been refusing to go out the back door.
By late afternoon I finally decided to coax her out the front door with a promise of a walk. We very rarely walk her because of the ever growing tumor on her neck, near her thyroid. Although it is benign, its girth and position make putting a collar on her seem cruel. So she happily spends her day following the sunspots in the living room or wandering collarless and leashless out in the back yard.
But I gingerly put on her collar and we headed out the front door. Winter for a Beardie is normally an adventure. Beardies bounce and skim over the snow, bury themselves gleefully in it, bark at shovels full, and prance and preen snapping at falling flakes. To top it off their rug like double coat keeps both water and cold from chilling them. Beardies can hang out for hours in the snow fort, can roll about making doggy snow angels, and can help undo all your careful walkway shoveling in a simple snowy afternoon.
But this year there was no bounding about when Lily met the snow. She dutifully did her business and with some hesitation walked next to me in the blizzard. But there was no tugging ahead on the leash, no independent exploration, and saddest of all no beardie bounce. It was like she was willing to be with me because she loves me and she thinks its her job to stay close by. But there was no joy in it.
We walked up the road, something she always loved to do because there are new dogs and cats up the street to sniff out and wonder about. But she payed no attention to the different animals or different tracks in the snow. She simply paced slowly next to me. When I stopped to praise or pat her she wagged her tail in friendly acknowledgement but I could not coax her to romp. Finally I turned around to head back back because clearly this was no pleasure for her. as i turned however my boots skidded on the icy layer under the snow and I fell forward. As I did so all I could think of was to relax my shoulders and let my knees take the brunt. I remained frozen on my knees for a moment to make sure my neck indeed was fine. Lil turned to me and blearily looked at me through her milky eyes. "I'm fine. Just give me a minute. The neck is fine." I hastily assured Donnie who saw me slip but could not grab me in time.
Lily then stepped forward and gave me one of her very rare beardie licks. (I don't know if this is true of the breed in general but neither of our beardies have ever been lickers.)
Anyway I was fine but decided to bring lily in.As we strolled by one of the neighbors joked that Lily should become like the snowbirds and fly south for the winter.
I finally returned her to the house which she gratefully went in without a backwards glance. In her younger days she would have done anything to remain outside with me.
But then Bambam and Cookie came out for their turn and joyfully jogged and slogged around the side yard with me. (Don would not allow me to go back out onto the road although my fall really was fine.) So the younger dogs and I played tag and doggy snow angels out in the side yard. I got my workout in and had a grand time with them.
Bambam has always loved snow and Cookie plunges into it with all the enthusiasm of the puppy that she still is. Her red coat against the white of the snow is breathtaking and we had a grand time chasing each other and rolling (gently) about.
Lily endured a towel drying off by Julie and then went off to sleep not even interested when we 3 came in all wet and panting from our play.
It was a nice day and I do so love a good snowstorm. A little poignant though, about my Lily.
Sunday, January 09, 2011
Who wins the "WHAT A DAY" prize today?
Yesterday was a very surreal day. I like many Amercians spent part of the time marveling in horror as events unfolded in Arizona. As so often happens when some frightening event occurs, it made me reflect on how lucky I was to have my family safe and out of harms way. I could not help but imagine conversations that Rep. Giffords and her husband must've had. Because he is an astronaut, I am sure they discussed the possiblility of something 'happening' to him. We think of jobs like being an astronaut heroic precicely because of the dangers they face. But being a politician? I am pretty sure they have a young daughter although I have not heard much about that but her family has been in my prayers.
As evening came I sat in our quiet house working on memorizing my lines in the latest play (March at Camp Kiwanee come see us!) The 3 guys were working at Shaws and Joe and Nikki were at friends. Julie was online in her room and I was missing Donnie who was out reffing hockey games. I was car-less because Don's truck needs a new clutch. Since he is out of work and money is well you know, we have to wait until next Tuesday for the truck to be worked on at Jamie's school. I was saying my 'grateful lines' in my head. What I mean is, Instead of feeling sorry for my car-less self and the fact that Don still does not have a job or any prospects, I was reminding myself how lucky we were that he can ref hockey games and how lucky we were that Jamie's school will fix the truck for the cost of the parts.
Then my girlfriend stopped by to drop off Joe and I coaxed her into staying for tea and a snack (heathy popcorn for me, a sinful warm homeade brownie for her with a dash if icecream and a dollop of whipped cream :>)
I did not have to work at being grateful for my life while we chatted. She is in the midst of a divorce and her pain and suffering, as she helps herself and kids deal with this unwanted and unexpected tragedy in her life, well it is palpable. You can practically see the black cloud in the air that has crashed upon their life.
But she is a good dear friend and even in her suffering she always tries to move forward. She especially prefers to help others as a way to feel 'normal' in a life so suddenly not.
As we were finishing up our snacks the home phone rang and when I recognized Jamie's number I knew it would not be good. It took me a few moments to comprehend what he was saying but both my girlfriend and I were on our feet and pulling coats on as his words sank in. Forest street, accident, he was ok, he wanted to climb out the truck window.
I envisioned that woman on Christmas Eve who wandered from her car after an accident only to be found frozen to death 3 days later. Therefore I insisted Jamie stay in the truck until I arrived since I knew he was literally a minute up the street. He sounded fine although hysterical and insisted he had not bumped his head. But people in shock do strange things and although there are plenty of houses along that stretch of road it is called Forest Street for a reason.
Thankfully he truly was not hurt and as soon as he saw me he calmed down. We managed to get him out of the passenger side window and his eyes filled again as he stared at his right bumper now rapped behind the right front tire as it rested against a huge tree stump. 2 teenage boys walking up the road stopped by to help and were happy to keep Jamie company and discuss truck possibilities. Someones tragedy is always someone elses' great story and those 2 boys reveled in the snow fall and crushed truck and waiting for the police and tow.
The grandfatherly neighbor wandered over and shook his head, teenage boys and snow covered roads. He offered help and advice and then headed out as the police arrived. The poor cop was only one of 2 on that night. His partner was responding to an accident at the other end of town. He was sympathetic and efficient and was worried as another call came in about 2 more accidents, about 20-30 minutes after ours. He didn't want to leave us, he would never have left a kid alone... but...of course I insisted he go. When mother is on the scene all is well. He promised to swing by to check up on us and wished us luck. There were all told I heard 6 accidents that night,hopefully noting serious, poor cop must've gotten writer's cramp filling out all those forms.
I stood in the torrential snow for about an hour until finally being coaxed back into my girlfriend's car, to wait for the tow guy.
All told we were probably back at the house about an hour after Jamie first called us. He, now fully recovered was counting the money he would 'get' from the insurance company and how he could sell off saleable parts of his truck and magically get a new and better model. We adults know it never works out that way. But the poor kid scrimped and saved for that boat of a truck.....let the reality of it sink slowly in to him, no sense crushing his dreams at this point.
As for me....well of course I am always calm in a crisis....but afterwards. I spent the entire night awake while everyone else in this house slept peacefully. My mind went over every single possible what if.
It is shocking how fast something can happen. I truly do believe we are very very lucky. But after the horrendous 2010 we had I did have higher expectations for 2011. Perhaps that bad is getting out of the way early and the good is bubbling up now as I write this...
As evening came I sat in our quiet house working on memorizing my lines in the latest play (March at Camp Kiwanee come see us!) The 3 guys were working at Shaws and Joe and Nikki were at friends. Julie was online in her room and I was missing Donnie who was out reffing hockey games. I was car-less because Don's truck needs a new clutch. Since he is out of work and money is well you know, we have to wait until next Tuesday for the truck to be worked on at Jamie's school. I was saying my 'grateful lines' in my head. What I mean is, Instead of feeling sorry for my car-less self and the fact that Don still does not have a job or any prospects, I was reminding myself how lucky we were that he can ref hockey games and how lucky we were that Jamie's school will fix the truck for the cost of the parts.
Then my girlfriend stopped by to drop off Joe and I coaxed her into staying for tea and a snack (heathy popcorn for me, a sinful warm homeade brownie for her with a dash if icecream and a dollop of whipped cream :>)
I did not have to work at being grateful for my life while we chatted. She is in the midst of a divorce and her pain and suffering, as she helps herself and kids deal with this unwanted and unexpected tragedy in her life, well it is palpable. You can practically see the black cloud in the air that has crashed upon their life.
But she is a good dear friend and even in her suffering she always tries to move forward. She especially prefers to help others as a way to feel 'normal' in a life so suddenly not.
As we were finishing up our snacks the home phone rang and when I recognized Jamie's number I knew it would not be good. It took me a few moments to comprehend what he was saying but both my girlfriend and I were on our feet and pulling coats on as his words sank in. Forest street, accident, he was ok, he wanted to climb out the truck window.
I envisioned that woman on Christmas Eve who wandered from her car after an accident only to be found frozen to death 3 days later. Therefore I insisted Jamie stay in the truck until I arrived since I knew he was literally a minute up the street. He sounded fine although hysterical and insisted he had not bumped his head. But people in shock do strange things and although there are plenty of houses along that stretch of road it is called Forest Street for a reason.
Thankfully he truly was not hurt and as soon as he saw me he calmed down. We managed to get him out of the passenger side window and his eyes filled again as he stared at his right bumper now rapped behind the right front tire as it rested against a huge tree stump. 2 teenage boys walking up the road stopped by to help and were happy to keep Jamie company and discuss truck possibilities. Someones tragedy is always someone elses' great story and those 2 boys reveled in the snow fall and crushed truck and waiting for the police and tow.
The grandfatherly neighbor wandered over and shook his head, teenage boys and snow covered roads. He offered help and advice and then headed out as the police arrived. The poor cop was only one of 2 on that night. His partner was responding to an accident at the other end of town. He was sympathetic and efficient and was worried as another call came in about 2 more accidents, about 20-30 minutes after ours. He didn't want to leave us, he would never have left a kid alone... but...of course I insisted he go. When mother is on the scene all is well. He promised to swing by to check up on us and wished us luck. There were all told I heard 6 accidents that night,hopefully noting serious, poor cop must've gotten writer's cramp filling out all those forms.
I stood in the torrential snow for about an hour until finally being coaxed back into my girlfriend's car, to wait for the tow guy.
All told we were probably back at the house about an hour after Jamie first called us. He, now fully recovered was counting the money he would 'get' from the insurance company and how he could sell off saleable parts of his truck and magically get a new and better model. We adults know it never works out that way. But the poor kid scrimped and saved for that boat of a truck.....let the reality of it sink slowly in to him, no sense crushing his dreams at this point.
As for me....well of course I am always calm in a crisis....but afterwards. I spent the entire night awake while everyone else in this house slept peacefully. My mind went over every single possible what if.
It is shocking how fast something can happen. I truly do believe we are very very lucky. But after the horrendous 2010 we had I did have higher expectations for 2011. Perhaps that bad is getting out of the way early and the good is bubbling up now as I write this...
Saturday, January 01, 2011
NEW Year's Resolutions
I wonder how many blogs across the world have that as their blog title today? Ah well, not very original but there is something comforting about the fresh start of a new year and new resolve.
Last year even for my Pollyanna-like outlook, it was pretty crappy around here. As a matter of fact the year made certain I was unable to keep my New Year's Resolutions. I suppose I should be glad to know it was not my will power that was weak, it was the discs and bones in my back... January 2010 had me with a broken tail bone and then April found me in agony with 4 discs blown in my neck.
But lets go back a few years shall we? Back in 2008, I came off of a 6 week lower back muscle spasm, to discover I was the most out of shape I had ever been, overweight, tired, and achy. With steely resolve (OK more of a hopeful tentative pleading resolve) I vowed 3 things. 1. Rejoin Weight Watchers and fully commit to the program. 2. Daily exercise. 3. Run the Carver Road Race in July, the whole 5 miles no walking and no coming in last.
By the end of 2008 much to my great surprise and pleasure I had indeed kept my New Years Resolution. Emboldened by my success I tripled my resolutions for 2009 and accomplished all of them with either complete success or close enough to count! Those resolutions included backpacking and swimming the half mile across Maquan pond!
2010 dawned full of hope for me and I continued to add weight and fitness goals to my resolution plus a 'make more time to be with friends.' Well the back injuries, surgery, and recovery kept resolutions from becoming realities and as 2010 drew to a close it was apparent the goals were not achieved.
But of course the beauty of a disastrous year is...it DOES end. 2011 is a whole day old and all my Pollyanna hopefulness is back. So as for my resolutions for this year: I think number 1 will be MAKE more time for friends.
The stress, pain, and disappointments of 2010 serve as a reminder that we can spend every single second making time for 'have tos' and it still won't be enough to satisfy everyone. Fitting in some 'want tos' and 'wish tos' will be a priority for 2011.
Next I am going to explore continuing education options to see where that takes our family. Number 3 is a biggy and it has taken me 3 years to even be able to truly envision it but I will make my weight loss goal 100 pounds and keep it off. There are a variety of mini goals to help that along including a 'running race' season, dancing, and physical challenges.
Finally and certainly the most important goal of all Treasuring my primary relationship and making it sparkle.. I am sure not every one we know is getting a divorce. But man in the last 2 years it certainly appears that way. I am always fascinated when there are reports in the newspaper about 'messy divorces' because especially in this last year between job hunting stresses and physical pain stresses and the male chromosome malfunctions (does that sound better than 'men are stupid syndrome?') I have often felt like I was in the midst of a very messy marriage.
But perhaps that is better to be in the midst of a mess duking it out and fighting for yourself and your spouse than just letting a marriage fade away in loneliness and unfulfilled wishes. One thing I really learned this year as my 2 oldest friends lose their marriages both people have to be willing and not give up. That requires a lot of trust. You can juggle every single stress and problem in your marriage, but if one person walks away there is not damned one thing you can do about that.
Their marriages have been a good reminder to me if I needed one that in this house inspite of the messiness of every day life both of us are in it together. We went to a party last night to ring in the New Year. Our friend who hosted is now in a very happy relationship and it was amazing to see all the small changes. Some of course you can joke about, nothing like a woman's eye for design to make a former bachelour pad into an inviting home! Others are more subtle, the thoughtful gestures they each showed one another, their pride in each other. When you have been married for as long as we have those things can get lost. Seeing them in someone elses relationship brings that home.
Another couple there, who we had only met once before just announced their engagement. Their excitement of course would seem impossible to maintain for years and years but thankfully in our marriage we have been able to do that. There is always something to plot and plan and share in this house and that keep things interesting!
The only other couple there amidst the fun single folk have been married I think 10 years? They have a chosen childless life although their shared workplace is one of constant families and their work requires as much nurturing as any 4 year old! They have slipped into that comfortable public oneness that I love. She made sure he had water in between drinks. He fit in a back rub as the evening was winding down. Both are proud of each other and although I am sure they must fight like the very devil in private on occasion, they never bad mouth one another to others and always have eachothers back.
All of these couples see themselves in a forever mode in spite of what statistics reveal. But the statistics are sobering. So in 2011 the resolution to keep eachother in mind and keep it sparkling seems like an absolute not just one of those things to start on January 1st only to forget about it before the months end!
I can remember once long go before Don and I started dating I saw one of his New Years Resolutions in a journal he was keeping. It was to have a girlfriend. I teased him about it of course. What teenage girl wouldnt? Poor guy shows a girl he likes his journal hoping she will get some clue about him and what does she do? She laughs!
That was the last year he had that as a New Years resolution of course because before the year was out we were dating. But maybe it should always be our resolution, to have a girlfriend/boyfriend. To keep it going to keep it sparkling. (OK in rereading the last 2 sentences you get that I mean keeping each other as each others girlfriend/boyfriend not going out and getting a girlfriend or boyfriend right?) I should probably quit while I am ahead and get to work on my this years resolutions!!!!! Happy New Year Everyone.
Last year even for my Pollyanna-like outlook, it was pretty crappy around here. As a matter of fact the year made certain I was unable to keep my New Year's Resolutions. I suppose I should be glad to know it was not my will power that was weak, it was the discs and bones in my back... January 2010 had me with a broken tail bone and then April found me in agony with 4 discs blown in my neck.
But lets go back a few years shall we? Back in 2008, I came off of a 6 week lower back muscle spasm, to discover I was the most out of shape I had ever been, overweight, tired, and achy. With steely resolve (OK more of a hopeful tentative pleading resolve) I vowed 3 things. 1. Rejoin Weight Watchers and fully commit to the program. 2. Daily exercise. 3. Run the Carver Road Race in July, the whole 5 miles no walking and no coming in last.
By the end of 2008 much to my great surprise and pleasure I had indeed kept my New Years Resolution. Emboldened by my success I tripled my resolutions for 2009 and accomplished all of them with either complete success or close enough to count! Those resolutions included backpacking and swimming the half mile across Maquan pond!
2010 dawned full of hope for me and I continued to add weight and fitness goals to my resolution plus a 'make more time to be with friends.' Well the back injuries, surgery, and recovery kept resolutions from becoming realities and as 2010 drew to a close it was apparent the goals were not achieved.
But of course the beauty of a disastrous year is...it DOES end. 2011 is a whole day old and all my Pollyanna hopefulness is back. So as for my resolutions for this year: I think number 1 will be MAKE more time for friends.
The stress, pain, and disappointments of 2010 serve as a reminder that we can spend every single second making time for 'have tos' and it still won't be enough to satisfy everyone. Fitting in some 'want tos' and 'wish tos' will be a priority for 2011.
Next I am going to explore continuing education options to see where that takes our family. Number 3 is a biggy and it has taken me 3 years to even be able to truly envision it but I will make my weight loss goal 100 pounds and keep it off. There are a variety of mini goals to help that along including a 'running race' season, dancing, and physical challenges.
Finally and certainly the most important goal of all Treasuring my primary relationship and making it sparkle.. I am sure not every one we know is getting a divorce. But man in the last 2 years it certainly appears that way. I am always fascinated when there are reports in the newspaper about 'messy divorces' because especially in this last year between job hunting stresses and physical pain stresses and the male chromosome malfunctions (does that sound better than 'men are stupid syndrome?') I have often felt like I was in the midst of a very messy marriage.
But perhaps that is better to be in the midst of a mess duking it out and fighting for yourself and your spouse than just letting a marriage fade away in loneliness and unfulfilled wishes. One thing I really learned this year as my 2 oldest friends lose their marriages both people have to be willing and not give up. That requires a lot of trust. You can juggle every single stress and problem in your marriage, but if one person walks away there is not damned one thing you can do about that.
Their marriages have been a good reminder to me if I needed one that in this house inspite of the messiness of every day life both of us are in it together. We went to a party last night to ring in the New Year. Our friend who hosted is now in a very happy relationship and it was amazing to see all the small changes. Some of course you can joke about, nothing like a woman's eye for design to make a former bachelour pad into an inviting home! Others are more subtle, the thoughtful gestures they each showed one another, their pride in each other. When you have been married for as long as we have those things can get lost. Seeing them in someone elses relationship brings that home.
Another couple there, who we had only met once before just announced their engagement. Their excitement of course would seem impossible to maintain for years and years but thankfully in our marriage we have been able to do that. There is always something to plot and plan and share in this house and that keep things interesting!
The only other couple there amidst the fun single folk have been married I think 10 years? They have a chosen childless life although their shared workplace is one of constant families and their work requires as much nurturing as any 4 year old! They have slipped into that comfortable public oneness that I love. She made sure he had water in between drinks. He fit in a back rub as the evening was winding down. Both are proud of each other and although I am sure they must fight like the very devil in private on occasion, they never bad mouth one another to others and always have eachothers back.
All of these couples see themselves in a forever mode in spite of what statistics reveal. But the statistics are sobering. So in 2011 the resolution to keep eachother in mind and keep it sparkling seems like an absolute not just one of those things to start on January 1st only to forget about it before the months end!
I can remember once long go before Don and I started dating I saw one of his New Years Resolutions in a journal he was keeping. It was to have a girlfriend. I teased him about it of course. What teenage girl wouldnt? Poor guy shows a girl he likes his journal hoping she will get some clue about him and what does she do? She laughs!
That was the last year he had that as a New Years resolution of course because before the year was out we were dating. But maybe it should always be our resolution, to have a girlfriend/boyfriend. To keep it going to keep it sparkling. (OK in rereading the last 2 sentences you get that I mean keeping each other as each others girlfriend/boyfriend not going out and getting a girlfriend or boyfriend right?) I should probably quit while I am ahead and get to work on my this years resolutions!!!!! Happy New Year Everyone.
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